This morning I walked into a local diner and was fortunate enough to meet a quite interesting and beautiful woman.  🙂  After a polite, “are you expecting anyone to join you?” She said “no”.  This was a HUGE step for me!  Usually I am the timid and quiet one in the corner in public settings!
~♥~
So I sat in the stool next to hers at the counter, she mentioned that she was only in town until tomorrow and I soon learned that her name is Mackensie, I introduced myself as “S” and we exchanged polite “good mornings” while she took a look at the menu.
~♥~
After seeing me exchange “morning” waves with the cooks, Andre, Sylvester and Edward.  Mackensie asked me if I was a regular there, and my answer was, ” This is the one meal I eat out each week.”  followed with one of my brightest smiles.  I was starting to relax and letting my guard down.   Gosh she smelled good, and I wondered what she thought of my typically dull, dusty and worn work clothes. Q – should I ask what kind of perfume she wears? In contrast, she looked great in a bright white blouse and khaki slacks, hair down loose and just a hint of makeup…..  The thought, “Am I actually drooling? crossed my mind as I wiped my chin…. My out of control hormones were making me feel antsy.   I should be happy that I am feeling any kind of attraction.
~♥~
Remember, My usual habit as a shy “trans” person is to have a book with me for company.  I like to fade into the background, and I prefer to not gain anyone’s attention!  But after a few brief glances her way I decided that I would rather talk with her….   Telling myself  to “chill out”, she’s human too after all.  🙂
~♥~
Needless to say,  my heart was racing!  I couldn’t believe that I was talking with this intriguing stranger.  All of my typical “hide and survive” habits were rearing their ugly faces. So I took a couple more deep breathes while I sipped my hot coffee…  I told myself that she has just met me, she has no preconceived notions about who or what I am.  My worst critic is often my own damn brain.  🙁
~♥~
I am only just starting to come “out of my shell” and am very out of practice and usually uncomfortable meeting new people.
~♥~
We exchanged a few of the typical small talk topics.  And I learned that she is in training to become a pilot.  We shared polite small talk over breakfast, and I could tell as time passed that she was becoming “interested” in me… I worried, is she “just curious”… or does she actually want to know me.  Most people don’t have the nerve to actually come out and ask, “Are you a woman or a man?”
~♥~
Have I mentioned  that I am way out of practice in social settings, especially when I have just met someone I am attracted to?  Problem is that I do not know how she thinks of me, does she see me as a woman or as a man?  Sometimes I really hate being Transgender…..Her attention definitely increased when I mentioned that I enjoy working with students of all ages, particularly the  9 – 12 age range.   This is how I get my “kid fix”.  Q –  is this a subtle hint from my subconscious that I want to be a parent?
~♥~
So to all of the trans people out there, how do you deal with feeling exposed and vulnerable?  Am I actually afraid of new people, or just overly cautious?                  Sending out hugs and hope – Iris

4 Comments
  1. linktothepast 11 months ago

    I really enjoyed hearing MacKenzie, S–, and Iris having a delightful conversation with someone ( Yes I believe Iris was there).

    I would have loved to have had this play out in a black and white movie scene. A genuine interesting conversation, where someone got a glimpse of Iris, then mustering to the courage herself to just come right out and ask.

    I know from last time you don’t hear it enough and I’m not just giving it out nonchalantly, I’m proud of you. You’ve made huge leaps in the last few blogs, this one was a great way to start my day with a big smile.

    Wishing you well,
    Emilie

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  2. gradientsoul 11 months ago

    I’m slightly late to respond, but I definitely agree with Emilie! Another thing I want to make sure to second is that I also believe that Iris was present in that conversation. You were letting your full true self shine through, it sounds like, not limiting yourself and playing a “gender role” you felt like you had to fit into. It also played out for me, in my head, just like a scene from a movie or a book.
    *
    I don’t know if you exchanged contact information, or not, but either way it sounds like you’ve really started to settle into your identity more and are exerting extra bravery into situations that you would typically shy away from. Iris is beginning to bloom into a confident young woman now! 😀
    *
    I am hoping that more wonderful experiences like this come your way very soon.

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  3. Author
    iris-dar 11 months ago

    Thank you so much you guys! Yea, this was a big step for me! So totally out of my comfort zone!
    ~♥~
    Nope, we did not exchange our #’s or anything… did not want to taint how good I was feeling. 🙂
    ~♥~ ~♥~
    btw that boy that i kissed ? Well, he now knows that I am trans! He actually took it better than I had hoped. We were holding hands, so he could feel how hard I was shaking. I was soooooooooooooo nervous! It was cute, he almost seemed concerned for me? …not sure what to believe.
    ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~
    I was all jumbled up inside, stomach sinking and wondering what will he do?
    ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~
    Will he flinch away with a look of disgust on his face?
    Will he slap me? Maybe punch and kick me? *
    Will he get loud and curse at me, call me nasty slurs, act like they are nauseous ?
    Want to strip me naked and throw me outside?
    Or just get up and walk away shaking his head in disgust?
    Will he hit me so hard I get knocked out… Waking up to find I have been stripped naked and tied to a tree!
    I have even been threatened with violence via guns and knives. (aimed at specific body parts).
    ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~
    My personal experience includes all of this and worse, much worse. Why does my mind go to dark places like this? I have tried to leave all of that behind me, to get it out of my head…. but it stubbornly refuses to go away, like cat hair on a sweater…..
    ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~
    Sending you both some well deserved gratitude, smiles, hugs, peace, hope and prayers. – Iris

    part 1 of 2

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  4. Author
    iris-dar 11 months ago

    Hado Emilie & Ash, part 2 of 2

    He will be back in town in three weeks. …trying to think of a nickname to use instead of, “that boy who kissed me” Opie will do… was Ron Howard’s, characters name on the Andy Griffith Show. Back when tv was only in black and white. The shows opening theme is mostly someone whistling…. you know the show?
    ~♥~
    I don’t know if how he thinks of me will have changed…..? Feels too weird to be real. Unbelievable. Part of me wants to jump up and down with joy, another part of me is cringing away from an expected attack… But most of me is so tired of feeling alone and damn lonely. Like everyone else, I just want to be loved, held in comforting arms, hair stroked with care, and appreciated for just being me… allowed to learn how to just be me, as Iris. :–)
    ~♥~ ~♥~
    And now my face is leaking again….
    ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~
    Not sure if I am actually brave or just a pathetic wack job dreaming for a happy ending. But I can tell you that when I am out walking around my toes are barely touching the ground. Because my mind and heart are off somewhere in the clouds. 🙂
    ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~
    But, if he does turn on me, and ends up being a violent a**hole… I don’t know how far I will retreat from the world, or how long it will take me to emerge once again. Ce la Vie
    ~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~
    So I am praying to the goddess, yes I am sure they are female, that there are exceptional people out there who have open hearts. And are willing to endure my unsettling tides of emotions, to finally arrive at the smooth beach sand beyond….
    ~♥~ ~♥~
    That last image was inspired in part by a poem by Edwin Arlington Robinson, Another Dark Lady. This is the last stanza. …………………….holly heck! This book was printed in 1916!
    ~♥~
    I cannot hate you for i loved you then.
    The woods were golden then. There was a road
    Through beeches: and I said there smooth feet showed
    Like yous. Truth must have heard me from afar,
    For I shall never have to learn again
    That yours are cloven like no beech’s are.

    ~♥ I enjoyed this best when reading it aloud. ♥~ 🙂

    Do I need to explain the symbolism here? Once smooth – now cloven ?

    Sending you some of my bubbly hope, a silly & goofy grin, laughter and tears – Iris

    part 2 of 2

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