I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have always done a lot of thinking but lately I don’t bury myself in games or shows or other immersive distractions.  I am still very much addicted to my phone but I try to read short articles that promote more thought.

I was in a car accident back in August.  I was the only person injured and suffered a bad concussion.  I didn’t die but apparently that day I asked over and over why couldn’t I have just died in that accident.  Since it has happened I feel like I have been on borrowed time.  I was supposed to die.  I had forseen it when I was 16.

Now here I am struggling to wrap my head around what is next.  Small tasks seem insurmountable and I am laregly alone in this world – but still I am trying to take on the impossible task of reinventing who I am.  From a young age I took on the philosophy of imagining the best me and just being that.  Somewhere along the way I lost that – I became what is best for others.  I do not want to stops being selfless.  I do not want to stop believing in love.  I do want to stop feeling like I am giving everything away to those who never give back.

I am no longer able to function physically at work the way I used to.  My patience, that was once a point of pride for me, has all but disappeared.  I need a change.  I was so used to adapting in my youth that I am baffled why it is so hard to change now.

I dont know who I am anymore.

I feel that if I could just get back out there into the world I could find something.  That inspiration that will set me on a path.  For now, with no car and a freezing hellscape outside of my door, all I can do is wait and stew while loneliness eats at my mind.