I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have always done a lot of thinking but lately I don’t bury myself in games or shows or other immersive distractions. I am still very much addicted to my phone but I try to read short articles that promote more thought.
I was in a car accident back in August. I was the only person injured and suffered a bad concussion. I didn’t die but apparently that day I asked over and over why couldn’t I have just died in that accident. Since it has happened I feel like I have been on borrowed time. I was supposed to die. I had forseen it when I was 16.
Now here I am struggling to wrap my head around what is next. Small tasks seem insurmountable and I am laregly alone in this world – but still I am trying to take on the impossible task of reinventing who I am. From a young age I took on the philosophy of imagining the best me and just being that. Somewhere along the way I lost that – I became what is best for others. I do not want to stops being selfless. I do not want to stop believing in love. I do want to stop feeling like I am giving everything away to those who never give back.
I am no longer able to function physically at work the way I used to. My patience, that was once a point of pride for me, has all but disappeared. I need a change. I was so used to adapting in my youth that I am baffled why it is so hard to change now.
I dont know who I am anymore.
I feel that if I could just get back out there into the world I could find something. That inspiration that will set me on a path. For now, with no car and a freezing hellscape outside of my door, all I can do is wait and stew while loneliness eats at my mind.