The same question keeps entering my mind. “What’s the point?” I’ve been trying to brush it away because it’s not good to think about it. It’s a question that I can’t answer, and it leads me into questioning my life. It makes me want to give in, give up, and throw away all that I have worked for, because the torture is meaningless if I’m not doing it for something. I want to jump, but yet I am left here motionless and confused. It’s so unnatural to do something that doesn’t preserve my life because we’re programmed to be doing things that keep us alive. I think we’re the only species that actually goes against the laws of nature.

I think that people who aren’t depressed don’t even ask this question. I realize that I hadn’t wondered about this a few years back, and that’s when I was at a slightly more stable level of depression, still functioning despite my sadness, though I was heading down the hill the way I was living. I just didn’t know it. I just knew that I had to do those things that I did, and hadn’t questioned it. Then the year that I had questioned why I was doing the things that I was doing and putting myself through all that misery, did I fall, and have not been able to pick myself up since then. This seems to suggest that oblivion is the way to go. That’s what life is, isn’t it? Just go with the flow of things; eat, drink and breathe because you have to. And that’s all you need. I know there’s no point in pointing fingers, but I wish my friend had never opened my eyes. The sentence that stopped me in my tracks was, “If one day you were hit by a car, what do you have to look back on?” Maybe it wasn’t that day, maybe it was the whole year that drove me to insanity, but I can only pinpoint that very moment because it was an eye-opening moment.

Why can’t I be normal?? What will it take to be like everybody else? I wish I could just tap into “happy” people’s minds and find out what/how they are thinking. If I could just remember what sort of thoughts were going through my mind years back…then maybe I could rise a little bit from my depression, at least a more functional level….only I cannot remember. It’s like most of my past has been erased. Maybe that’s because my childhood wasn’t even worth remembering.

I’ve screwed up haven’t I? I know that I have the rest of my life to change, but I don’t know how! I started off wrong and can’t seem to get out of this loop that I’m in. Somehow I just gotta fool myself into thinking that there IS a reason why I’m spinning and spinning around in this meaningless cycle. And the strangest thing happened a few days ago. I felt it. I felt that sense of purpose all of a sudden. It came to me as a shock, and it felt so familiar, only to have it lost shortly afterwards. What had I done? How did I bring it about?

Place me on a cloud of oblivion. Always asking myself this question frustrates me to the point of tears. I want answers, only I know that I will never get them. I want to stop feeling this way. Forever will I be waiting to hear something that will either open my eyes wider…or shut them forever.

“Eyes on You” –> Simon Wilcox
(the words I hear)

I’ve got my eyes on you, even when I’m dreaming, I dream of you

You put a spell on me, and heaven cannot help that, in prison I’d be free

When you are only small, you learn to crawl, you learn to fail, you learn to fall, fall

And you are only small, you learn to crawl, you learn to fail, you learn to fall, fall

I’ve got my eyes on you, even when you’re sleeping, I’m watching you

You cast a spell on me, when I wasn’t looking, heaven set me free

When you are only small, you learn to crawl, you learn to fail, you learn to fall

And you are only small, you learn to crawl, you learn to fail, you learn to fall, fall

Fall

Fall

When you are only small, you learn to crawl, you learn to fail, you learn to fall, fall

And you are only small, you learn to crawl, you learn to fail, you learn to fall, fall

Fall

Fall.

1 Comment
  1. brokenfairy_38 15 years ago

    I thought I had seen someone in this same loop with me and wanting the same too. ANSWERS!! I know how it feels and then I forget only to be reminded later when I fall again.

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