The one thing I hate about holidays is inconsistency. I like having a timetable, it keeps me on track with what day it is. I've been back…3 days?! (where did they go?) and they all seem to have merged into one. I have to keep asking myself what day it is and updating here may be a little troublesome.
Obviously I spent the first day in, spring cleaning which has been in the back of mind for 2 weeks. Plus I didn't really feel I could leave the house without crying. Why do we get so attached to animals?
My boyfriend got me out of the house on the second day to take his child to the local indoor play centre. Usually I would be bouncing around with said child like I was 4 years old too. I couldn't muster anything but awkwardness. I would play a long with a couple of his games and throwing him into the ball pit. I think my boyfriend regretted bringing me, he was torn between following the child and sitting with me in silence to see whether I was okay. In the end, I pulled my finger out to interact more. We spent the rest of the day at his, where I ended up bursting out in silent tears whilst we were kissing. This was the point we both knew something clearly wasn't right with me.
And today, we went to the cinema with most of his family and yet I couldn't muster anything but fake enthusiasm, neither when we got back to his. Tonight he got completely frustrated asking what was wrong. He doesn't understand it when I say I have nothing to say. He thinks I'm lying, that I do know what's wrong and that I just won't tell him. He's never understood the way my brain has worked, that it can be blank, void of anything.
My mood has completely changed from before in these last 3 days. It's as if I've been turned inside out, as if I'm wearing my brain on my sleeve. There is just gloom and being blank. Nothing will make me truely smile, I can't laugh, I just stare. It's as if the real me can't hide behind the person I was before. Something clicked and I turned into this.
Of course, I have to put on some kind of face at home. They don't have any idea what my head is like. Surely it's a compliment to my boyfriend that he can see this true self, void of emotion, struggling? But as I said, he doesn't understand. I haven't told him half of my past, either we've never had the time to come across it or because I find it very awkward to talk about feelings to anyone. I still question whether the events made me into this person or whether it's just in fact me who's made myself so devoid of personality. To blame the events makes me feel guilty, as if I'm using them as an excuse.
I don't even know if this makes sense anymore. If you've continued reading then bravo. I just want to pull out of this mood. For his sake. I hate to see him worry. I told him not to, he has enough to handle at the moment.