Feeling lonely and left out and like a complete loser. Being the one to go for when you need money or my time, but not when you just want to see and hear from me.
I've lent money in the last two weeks… and then watched and listened and read as the people I lent the money to talk about all their plans for vacations and fun stuffs. I've extended my money to others because they want to buy houses… and they don't have the percent to put down. I spend money trying to do things that I want to do, but in reality, buying my families time and energy, and then being upset in the end because they don't like what I've bought… they don't enjoy it as much… they don't reciprocate and invite me out… or remember to keep me in the loop.
Pretty much… any small victories I've had lately are overshaddowed by everyone else. I get employee of the quarter, and win $100 dollars in giftcards from work stuff, and it doesn't really matter. I talk about moving out of the city, before anyone even considers buying houses, and I get weird looks. And now, when they are all looking at houses together, and talking about the market and the 8,000 bucks they will get if they can just find a house before their appartments leases are up… I'm just left listening, and not listening, and trying to find a way out of the room. I have money… but not enough. And when I do buy something… it's not going to be here in the cities. It's going to be outside of the minneapolis belt. So I'm stuck. Listening, and feeling sad because no one remembers I'm still in the room. No one remembers to ask me what's going on… and when my 'big' news is brought up… it gets swept to the side just as quickly because it's not really that big.
So here I sit… finally feeling everything… and not being able to really relate my feelings to anyone because they don't care to listen. Until I shut down, or blow up… it doesn't matter.
I've had more thoughts of not being here lately… I always say this to make sure no one worries… I won't do anything… I'm too much of a wuss to consider actually doing anything… but it really hurts lately. to look around and feel this left out… and realize that although I feel like I wouldn't be missed… I know in someways I would.
I just wish I could disappear for awhile… let them see how it feels for me to really be out of reach.