Sitting in her caseworker’s car in the apartment
complex where she was planning to apply for a
new home she noticed the younger woman
filling out mileage records to turn in to her
superiors at the agency of which she herself
was a client–this flashed her back to 10-11
years ago when she’d been working for a
supervisor–an odd, temperamental sort of
fellow for whom she’d felt she’d been
working at sufferance and had been walking
on eggshells–he could be very kind, even
fatherly at times — but at others could be
rather anal or even meanspirited — the one
reason she’d put up with abuse — the feeling
that she could never be sure which "boss"
she’d be dealing with — was that with her
speech disability and emotional problems
would make it hard to find a new job were
she to quit — she was tempted to tell her
caseworker how fortunate she was to
have her comlpany pay her mileage because
some companies — like that she’d worked
for — don’t treat their employees this well —
because back in the late 90’s when she’d
been working for this company and had
been filling out and turning in mileage
sheets as everybody else there was able
to do her supervisor lectured her about
filling in these reports — so even though
she was earning only the minimum wage
and could barely afford the gas, it had to
be on her dime (I know, strange metaphor
the way gas prices are these days) —
she figured that perhaps the accounting
office had spoken to her supervisor about
her handing in mileage reports so one day
when she had to go there for another
errand (the gas for which was on her dime)
she stopped in at the accounting office to
apologize for asking for paid mileage and
the main accountant with whom she’d
spoken had said that was OK — everyone
there turned in mileage reports and got
paid mileage — so driving back to the
branch office across the river where she
worked she started crying because now
she felt she’d figured out for some weird
reason she’d been being made an exception
of — but of course knew she could not
say anything to her supervisor about the
unfaitness of it all fearing his reaction —
snapping back to the here and now after
being flooded by these memories she felt
like crying but instead put on a bravura
performance of a business-like, "normal"
adult apartment-hunting — knowing not
only would those at the front desk of the
rental office get a bad impression about her
— she also didn’t want to bore and burden her
caseworker with the distressing details of
her past working life because there was
nothing she could do about them now —
because she liked the young woman very
much — she’d gotten to know her rather
well — for example, being a voracious
reader the way she herself was (currently
the younger woman’s in the process of
re-reading her Harry Potter books — and
she herself has been into fantasy and sci-
fi lately, but while she’s seen a couple of
Harry Potter movies, she hasn’t gotten
around to any Harry Potter books yet)
–in fact, this was the first time she who had
decided long ago in light of her emotional
problems that she was unfit to marry and
have children ever felt maternal towards
someone (other than the four-legged furry,
purring creatures with whom she’d shared
her home and her life) — after her business
for the day was concluded and she made it
home, she got her work done there, ate
dinner, sat down in her favorite comfy
chair, and felt it safe to cry.