“Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to speak with you again.” Sigh. I learned tonight about those words – when they say that your silence spoke volumes. The silence was deafening. It was!! I said, “I don't know where your head is. I try to guess and everything I come up with is negative ” and I was doing a really excellent job of not crying. For that one little thing, I am a tiny bit proud. I didn't just bawl which is amazing because I am a huge cry baby. And guess what he said? Nothing. He said nothing. There was a deafening silence. It was awkward to me. I think I was almost holding my breath but then there were deep sighs somewhat masked by the sound of me exhaling cigarette smoke. He said nothing as we both smoked our cigarettes. He said nothing as I finished mine. He said nothing as I got up and put mine out in the ashtray and opened the screen door followed by the house door and came inside and shut the door. He said nothing. This was after I told him that we were hanging by a thread, at least for me. That's what I said. He said nothing. So I am trying to tell myself that it's probably over. We did 16.5 years. It might be longer than my mom's FIVE marriages put together. I never dreamed I would want to be with one man for so long. I just hate doing this to my daughter . She just turned 14 and she's the only minor child left. I know how much this f*ucks you up . I know how divorce makes you feel inside as the child of divorce. He doesn't know – his parents were each others only spouse ever. I tried to tell him before how much it f**ks you up. But honestly for a few years now I have been trying to figure out if he even has a heart. He never cries, I have never seen him cry, even when his mom died. I was bawling ! I will strongly advise my daughter and every woman on the planet, do not marry a man that does not really care for his mom. I think he loved her, just didnt really make any effort for her. And I think he has taught our daughter the same. I know she will forever blame me. She is daddy's girl. She is his only biological child. She will always be on his side. I guess that's ok, certainly not worth trying to fight about. I hope when it's all done, when she is much older with hopefully a husband of her own that maybe she can find it in her heart to know I was not completely the cause.

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