I can't focus today. It's the middle of school, and every second of it is torture for me. I want to scream, I want to get out of here; but I can't. I'm forcing myself to stay for the sake of just being here.
Granted, any one of you reading this have probably dealt with this kind of thing, or worse. Some of you can even relate to me when I say, "I'm nothing but a pile of worthless space. I have no value in life. I shouldn't have even been born."
What's worse is that, for the past three months, my school's theater program have been working vigorously on a production. Not just any regular production. A Christmas Carol. It's opening night, and all the other actors seem determined. Guess who doesn't give a damn right now. Yeah, me. I might not even be able to perform tonight, just because of my first therapist appointment.
If any of you haven't been able to figure out why I titled this entry the way it is, let me enlighten you; it's because of how little control I have over my life right now. I hate to feel worthless. I hate that I have to talk to a stranger for an hour when I could be doing something that actually matters to me. I don't want to open up; I'd rather be shrouded in the pitch black darkness.
But at the same time, I can feel myself decaying. All I've ever done in life is keep others away from me. If I don't break out of this, things will not only get worse for me, I'm afraid I might actually hurt someone. So many times in the past week, I've snapped at people for things that shouldn't even be bugging me, and each time, the rage in me becomes more violent. Just thinking about it right now makes me mad.
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I remember feeling like that too. I hated that I had to see a therapist in 7th grade ~ it felt degrading and very much forced upon me. But in the end I realized she really was helping me and I liked her. It took me several sessions to warm up to her at all. But in the end of it all I walked away a healthier teenager who was able to make friends and let people in somewhat.
I hope your opening night of A Christmas Carol goes wonderfully! I'm sure it will be fabulous and fantastic!
As for the anger issues I'm with Will_B on this…it's partially your age. I don't want you to feel as though I'm being condescending or disregarding or minimizing your difficulties with this ~ I'm not. But hormomes do play a big role in it. Is there anything destructive you can do that won't hurt anyone, inclucing you? I used to throw glass bottles at passing trains to watch them shatter and scream obscenities at the train because no one could hear me…of course that's probably illegal ~ but I'm sure you get the idea. That always helped me with my rage.
I wish you the best of luck and hope to hear from you. And btw, you're NOT a waste of space or air. Yeah, we've all felt that way too from time to time I dare say. I know I have. Think about the things you like about yourself and write them down. Even if it's only one little thing, start a list and everytime you find something else you like about you you write it down. Then hang the list on your bathroom mirror and read it every morning. That helps me.
Sincerely and Hugs ~ Key