Im been meaning to write a blog for some time now…
Do you ever find your self having so much to say, but at the same time not knowing exactly how to say it? that’s how I feel right about now. I feel that im at a changing point in my life. I feel that my life will drastically change in a matter of weeks, maybe months. I don’t know why, I just feel it.
I feel that some of the safe pillows or crutches that I use to hold on to for dear life, are being thrown across the room, broken free of my hold. I feel that I can walk in the light. Im scared, but my will is stronger than my fears.
I think a lot of this comes from personal realizations and external talk’s ive had with family and friends. everyone has contributed in some way to my thoughts and feelings now. Sometimes I feel like im getting important “life” answers, questions and such from people as if it wasn’t them speaking to me, but a higher power. As if they some how knew how I was feeling and they answered my questions, or taught me a lesson before I even asked. I understand this is very vague; I will try to explain some how.
I always looked to others for guidance, to others to push me, when I have all the ability to push my self. I believe now that if I truly want a change It has to start with the little things. I get so discouraged some times because I look at the bigger picture. I kept saying that im unhappy because I want to be able to make a difference In someone’s life, for example– I didn’t see that I already do this with my job, I am able to make a difference every single week. This makes me happy.
The Dali lama in his book, The Art of Happiness said you have to want the things in your life, stop striving for things you don’t have. He said, all the negative and things that you don’t want you need to uproot them and toss them out!
On a marco level I want to lose weight ( I wont lie if you ask me) and be in to physical activities like kickboxing and yoga. But on the mirco level, I wasn’t willing to make the necessary changes such as my eating habits, exercising habits and sleeping patterns to get me to that point. I lie when I say im not hurting any one but my self. Me not taking care of my health is hurting all those who love me.
I realize that I will never, acting like this, get to the places I seek so badly because my foundation is on ice. My foundation is a icy home full of broken promises, fears, and lots and lots of bull shit. I need to work on my self at the most basic of levels so that I can have solid ground to stand on as I strive for better in life. AND I have to appreciate and love what I already have! I know I want to learn kickboxing so I have to prepare my self for that. i have to allow my self to try at something, even if I fail. I have to try. Sometimes all you have is a dream. Once That’s gone…..