Hi there!

It’s my first blog. I chose this platform to vent my emotions. Being a shy and introvert girl that I am, it’s comforting to express myself thought words.

I am dealing with anxiety from childhood. I’d say I have been coping with it quite good.

I was anxious, when I was a little girl who had a test tomorrow about alphabets.  I was so terrified I couldn’t sleep well at night. I am also anxious today.

Everytime when I have to talk in front of a large crowd, my knees get weak. But I act fine. I try so hard to hide it, still people understand how pathetic and terrified I feel inside.

Not only in social situation, majority of my day goes with anxiety reagarding everything. It’s exhausting. It reduces my productivity. My pedantic self makes it worse. But, I sometimes credit my scrupulous behavior for the outstanding academic result throughout my student life (till now!). Oh God! How much I killed myself for this! I used to study for more that 18 hours a day during finals, it isn’t because I like it. The reason is I was purely and simply terrifed of failure. Not that I don’t like learning, but before test it is like ‘You study or you die’! 🤣

My life is full of events of unseen panic attacks, sacrifice of being in limelight and reiterated practice before going into action. I build up projects from scratch and people takes credit cause I am not the one who shines bright on public platform. I have multiple problems of otherwise, but today I am going to focus on the anxiety bit.

I can remember one of the many events of panic attacks, it happened when I was a 3rd year student in University. Professor were asking the class some questions. Suddenly he asked the student who stood first have to stand up and answer the question. I was that student. But listening to this, my brain stoped working, my legs froze, my throat got sandy, my heart was beating faster as if I could listen to my own heartbeat and I kept sitting on my seat with the eyes of whole class glued on me. The professor kept asking, who hold the first position in the class. And I kept staring at the wall with blank eye. At last one of my classmates told I am the one he is looking for. My professor got furious and surprised at my behavior. And rest is history! I felt so stupid and humiliated.

Right now I am working as a lecturer, I become anxious even before my student’s test! Can you believe it! I am always concerned what is people thinking about me/am I good enough/ am I doing anything wrong?  I am always seeking other people’s validation. I know no one is actually noticing me. But only knowing this doesn’t help.

This pandemic  has made things worse. It did so for all of us. Right now, I am away from social media. As I’m working from home, I ‘need’ to communicate with my colleagues and students. And I’m in home with my family so I’m in touch with them. My social bubble is shrinking again, the bubble which I expanded by working so hard, for so many years!

Sometimes I think why I had to be like this! Why am I not an articulate, flamboyant girl? Why am I a timid person who twists her tongue literally in every social circumstances?  How much I have to endure?

How much?