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So to make a long story short , I had a day back in August where I went out and over indulged in drinks (I know that’s not a good idea/bad but hey I’m young and it’s hard not to be “normal” and miss the days I could enjoy those things) I was out with a sports team I was on and we were celebrating winning a gold medal going in as the underdog. I got carried away,too many drinks but realized when I had over done it and went home. The next day the guilt and anxiety hit along with the hangover . (We had also gone out to supper and I ate a mussels in a cream sauce and pasta ,probably not the best mix with alcohol and being somewhat lactose so that didn’t help hangover wise.) I’m really not making this short at all am i? Oh well , I figured with the feeling better would come the break of anxiety and worry . No dice . I have been struggling since August. August and September were absolutely terrible and it’s gradually gotten better but on nights like tonight Ist like my mind is trying really hard to get me to go into a full blown anxiety attack . I keep having feelings of fear or feelings of dread , I keep thinking about things from the past (mainly stupid things from childhood ) that make me feel like a bad person or things from the now like how my grandmother who I never really got a long with has been sick forever and is really sick now and I go down and see her and talk to and visit but the guilt of our terrible relationship and the fact that I’m seeing a woman who I always viewed as strong and stubborn and would fight for what she believed in (which we usually didn’t agree on) turn into this feeble , scared, sick shell of a human . I feel like that’s probably a huge reason I feel like this and she’s not getting any better so I have a feeling this is going to be worse and I feel guilty for worrying about my anxiety getting worse when she obviously has bigger worries then me . I feel like it’s too late to fix my relationship with her she is on a high level of oxygen and has trouble talking . Anyways I never did go back to theraphy and my insurance covers about enough for two visits after that I’m on my own and this time of year money just isn’t there for that . I used to run and exercise to help with my anxiety but I recently had a back issue and I’m afraid to push things :s

I’ve been reading an anxiety work book I don’t know if it’s really helping me or not but reading it makes me feel a little better inn the moment where I feel like an attack is coming on . I’m a pretty open minded person ever since I first started feeling this way as an adult (because now when i think back i remember being this way over things as a child )I have been reading as much as I can and trying to figure it all out , what helps what doesn’t , what triggers , what doesn’t , trying to look at it from a different perspective . Sorry for the long rant I needed something to focus on and I needed to vent . So thanks for baring with me if you read through àll this .And any support or guidance is greatly appreciated 🙂

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