Woke up again feeling nervous. In a few hours i will get in that car and be on my way to college. Im so nervous my stomach ia suffering the consecuences :(. The “what if's” are invadung my head and all i can think of is that im not going to make it in college. I wish i didnt have this horrible anxiety 🙁 🙁 :'(. I hate feeling like this. I will try my best to not hyperventilate and intead breathe using my stomach like my theraphyst suggested. Right now hyperventilation will cause a really bad panic attack and that would be even worse right now. Ive been taking my betablockers and i feel the difference my heart its not going nuts well only when i first wake up but than it beats normal. What i dont know is if my stomach will take the stress much longer. Its hard and i keep peeing every minute and i have diarrhea and on top of that i feel like throwing up. Since i been stoping my self from hyperventilating my chest and lung area is okay doest feel stiff or in pain. I wish my amxiety could undestand that im goung to try going to college and that i dont have to stay if i can concentrate enough due to anxiety. All im doind is trying nothing else and if i manage to stay well that would be awesome. Once there If i get worse i come back im good at making things up. I could probably say that my loan was canceled or that it wont be able to get payments on time and that will cancel classes or something else my creative brain will surely think of something i know it. All want to do is try but this darn anxiety thinks i have to stay there no matter what and that is not the case. I want to stay but i dont want to be pressured to stay. I do feel a little pressure because at my job everybody knows i will go to college and i dont want to dissapoint at home i dont feel the pressure my parents will be okay with me coming back specially because i do lots of things for them. So i shouldnt feel alot of pressure specially because i have a job here if i ever want to come back in fact if i dont make it at college my plan is to go back to work part time and maybe i could tell them that i decided to change schools to the one that is only one hour away. See my brain comes up with lots of ideas here 🙂 anyways im just writing because it makes me feel so much better like i said no one has to read my posts just ignore if u want i only do this to calm down and focus on writing so that my anxiety goes away.

1 Comment
  1. MariaGreta 7 years ago

    I am glad you are doing this and that it helps to calm you 🙂 It is good to vocalize (or write in case) the thoughts that are going on like that in your bead. It gets so crazy cluttered with those thouhts.. and how they sure turn round and round but never actually get anywhere! Argh! But it does help to express, gives you more power I suppose because you are identifying them. Calling bullshit on them 🙂
    It is pretty good that you fel accountable to follow through, but also dont ever forgot these co workers and family etc are reassuring you that you can return because they love you and want to see you happy. Id say you must be a reakkt special woman to have all that love and support.
    I hope today goes easy on you, and that you feel a bit better as the day rolls on and things continue to go just fine. 🙂 You got this!

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