Hi, my name’s Aura. You might know me. I’m 13, pansexual, and struggling with anxiety. I don’t know the purpose of this blog, or if it will be of any use to me and you, but I will use it as I see fit.
I am the daughter of a strict mother; I’ve never gotten a B in my 9 years of schooling, I’m the top of my class, and people have told me that I’m the most well-behaved and polite child they’ve ever met. Why then, when I seem so perfect, am I so lost?
Some days, I have nothing but fear of punishment to get me out of bed. I always feel like I’m not good enough, like I have to be the best, and if I’m not it hits deeply, even if the person who’s better simply has more age or experience. My perfectionism makes me a terrible procrastinator and worker, as the combination of no motivation and worry of not being absolutely perfect causes zero drive to actually get anything done. Worse yet, I’m dropping assignments which is ruining my grades, and I feel like I’ve failed. I can’t even bear to face my teachers anymore for fear that they yell at me and embarrass me in front of the whole class. I feel like everybody thinks I’m stupid.
I can’t even enjoy art or writing anymore. Everything I see is a reminder that I’m not as good as this person at the craft. I can’t sing like that one soloist in the high school choir, I can’t draw like that random artist on Pinterest, I can’t even write a stupid paragraph like this probably twice my age tumblrist can. Everything I see is a glaring reminder that I’m not perfect and that not all of my skills are as good as the masters. I want to say that I’m only thirteen, that of course I’m not as skilled as these people who are older than me, have much more experience, but my mind doesn’t listen. I don’t feel like I’m good enough.
Well, I guess I just wanted to whine a bit. Been in a sad mood today, thanks for listening. I’ll post on this blog pretty sporadically, and with random topics, but most of ‘em will probably be like this. Thanks. G’bye 💞