Smoking… just half-watched an episode of DS9 called "In the Pale Moonlight." That show rocks. I don’t care what anyone says. (And, yes, I am a dork. Addicts can be dorks.) It’s just great. 🙂
But, it’s Sunday, and a lot of things occur to me on Sundays. I consider the fact that I don’t go to church anymore (and that I don’t really want to go back). I consider going out for pastries. I think about the Velvet Underground song, "Sunday Morning." (So beautiful…) But, right now, I am listening to a Mason Jennings tune ("Jesus Are You Real?") I know a lot of intelligent people consider questions of faith to be beneathe them. But, I don’t really give a damn what they think, because I’m smarter than most of them, anyway (haha…).
"Do you know where I’m bound?
Do you know who I am?
Are you just a word I use
When I don’t understand?"
I am trying to be a better person than I’ve been. Not that I think I’ve been terrible, or anything, but I’ve made a lot of mistakes. And, I’ve been really sh*tty to myself, which made it impossible for me to be there, completely, for others. I am trying to make those things right, but it’s still really hard. I still get down on myself, a lot. I feel like my own mind attacks me, as I’m moving through my day.
"And I am struck
I cannot move
to make it stop
what can I do?"
Thankfully, there are people stronger than me who have carried me when I felt like I couldn’t do this. One reason I could never get down with the whole 12 step deal was all the Higher Power stuff (I know, supposedly, it can be anything – but everyone says, "don’t worry, you’ll find God through the steps"). And, I believe in God, but it’s a very complicated, and fragile, and very personal thing that I really don’t want to tie my recovery to – but people would tell me the way to stay clean was to pray. And, if you used that day, you didn’t pray. And, if you did pray, you didn’t mean it. Well, let me tell you, I prayed, and I meant it, because I had never been so desperate, or so convinced that someone else had it figured out. I mean these people had clean time – back then, that seemed like the holy [email protected] grail to me. The most respected, listened to, and long-standing members were saying, "pray, and mean it," so I did. To say that if you did end up failing, you didn’t mean that prayer, and that’s why God didn’t remove the desire to use from you – smells like snake oil to me. Not trying to offend anyone, but that’s how I felt. It sounded to me like the "faith healer" who tells a crippled kid his faith just isn’t strong enough to fix his legs. Addiction is a disease. And, sometimes, what we mean (very sincerely) in the a.m., can crumble to bits by the evening, because we are physically and emotionally DEPENDENT. Telling myself I’m "powerless" never helped me any. I have a problem with the concept. Feeling powerless is what feeds into my negative behavior. I am not trying to claim all (or even most of) the credit for the little time I have been scraping together (it’s a big deal to me, but I know it probably seems pretty slight to everyone else). I doubt anyone could do this alone. If I didn’t have Ace, and my friends here in the city… this would not be happening. I am not strong enough, on my own. I know that. I have very caring people in my life who have lent me their strength, when necessary. But, without all the dogmatic stuff… (I do respect these programs – don’t get me wrong. I wish I could milk what I need out of them somehow, but it just doesn’t work for me. I know they save sh*t tons of people, like my dad, but they also claim to be THE ONLY WAY – and I think that’s a faulty assertion. There are very few things in life that work for EVERYONE. But, obviously, if someone can get straight that way, I think they’d be crazy not to rock that sh*t. I’d be all over it, if it worked for me. But, people are different. I’m sure I’m not the only one who doesn’t fit in that environment.)
I am really lucky to have Ace. He’s the one I turn to, anytime it’s all coming apart. Anytime, I don’t think I can see this through another night… and, then, he makes me laugh, and we talk, and… I somehow get through it.
"Strong enough to show your love
Strong enough to give
Strong enough to go through hell
Strong enough to live"
Without Ace, I definitely would’ve failed by now. Being understood goes a long way…
maybe, because everything unique is so fleeting… like snowflakes before they hit the ground… and everyone just wants to be known and understood while they’re still here, on earth.
"All I do is doubt you god
All is do is love you god
All I do is question you
What else can I do?
This world was never solid ground
Religion cannot help me now
All I do is search for you
What else can I do?"
Charlie’s asleep. I think I’m gonna go pick up some breakfast from Heartland Cafe. Maybe, make some coffee… it seems nice out. A walk would be nice. I have a few pleasant thoughts in my head that I wouldn’t mind kicking around, while I walk through this neighborhood (that I love), on a cool, but sunny afternoon. I think I’ll try to go swing by the lake, later.
"And when I say I search for you
I mean I search for peace
I search for hope
I search for love
And one day for release"
(Mason Jennings, "Jesus Are You Real?")