So I've started off the blog three times already and I really don't know where to begin. The top thing on my mind is school. I'm going to fail. This is not some ordinary oh no I'm going to fail but actually manage to pass things. This is, I've skipped about two months of classes so I've decided not to go and thus miss all final exams and tests so I'll fail kind of things. I always make obviously bad choices in order to feel how it feels personally. Even though I know it's a bad choice. I don't know why I do it. Because most of the time it's not worth my time like everyone says. And I think maybe sometimes I want to get out of that perfect child image that my mom and dad keep throwing on me. My brother and sister might feel like they're always wrong but I have to feel like I'm always doing something right. And it's still not good enough for them. I'm whining. I know. It's just frustrating always being in the background because you're not making enough noise. And sometimes your silent shouts are just as loud and important as the other ones of more obnoxious behavior. Because they're never happy enough with just having a good person like you around, they just whine about the bad ones. I think this is probably my most shocking bad behavior thing that I've ever done. I've done other things, get C's in classes where I could have gotten A's, start smoking cigarettes, start smoking pot, start drinking alcohol, and now failing a semester of college just because. No real reason.
And the worst part is that I still want her approval so that every time I fuck up I feel her disappointment and then my own for disappointing her. And I don't know what I would do if suddenly my brother told me that sometimes he judges me as much as I judge him with shit. Because he's my baby brother and I shouldn't be upset with what he does with his life because I'm doing the same with mine. It's like we're all stuck in this shit hole small hick town place where we're all poor and wanting to get out but not being able to.
And I started off in a good mood. I was. When I got home and got on here. I like this place. I was expecting something completely different and not as friendly as here. I miss online communities like this. So I just kind of want to give a big hippie-like virtual hug to everyone.
Stay Classy MyAnxiety.org