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Well, hello. I suppose I should start off by saying I don’t mean to offend anyone and will give a trigger warning. I am going to mention a few sensitive topics that may trigger some people, including self harm and suicide attempts. Always remember that help is always available and if you need to talk, I’m here for those comfortable in speaking.

Anyways, today has not been a decent day to say the least. I miss my recent ex, which was caused by my mother’s temper produced by an argument in which I did not agree with her plan for my future education. Ever since then, being last Wednesday, I cannot stop thinking about everything we had together and how happy I was with him. My closest friend since the 4th grade apparently hates me now, which although it hurts to hear and see, I understand if someone doesn’t want to be around me. However, I do not find it much amusing that she attempts to sabotage my few sparks of joy, including my relationship amongst my other friends. For example, today we got fliers for an upcoming talent show and my other friend asked me to join their group which consisted of her, the “friend” in question, and another closer acquaintance of mine. Yet when my “friend” overheard her conversation to me, she told her that she needed to talk to her in private, and she later came back and told me that the “friend” didn’t want me there.

My dad and I got into a dispute over a snide comment he just felt the need to vocalize and when I confronted him about it, he made fun of me and my mental conditions and practically told me to kill myself. This resulted in me self harming with a lancet and attempting suicide by hanging and overdosing.

School is not necessarily the best place at the moment but I won’t go into details because it’s relatively boring. To summarize, I’m falling behind because of my lack of motivation and focus.

I don’t feel comfortable with my own skin. Personally, I feel invalid. My mother told me that the reasons I have for my self harm and supposed “fake” depression/anxieties are nothing because I do not face adult problems as she does and I am a minor as of now.

Along the lines of self improvement, I took time to clean and wash my face today and yet it was of small nature, I take pride in knowing I did something for my benefit for once and I made a change in my schedule for my personal health.

I am a little anxious for my next psychiatry visit. My mother took pictures of my self harm and threatened to show my family if I did it again, which terrifies me. She also mentioned that she was going to show my psychiatrist as a guaranteed, which is logical but still scares me as my psychiatrist is not someone I necessarily hold trust in.

Ever since my mother found out about my self harm, even though she should have already known if she was paying attention during therapy, I have been prohibited from shaving and using sharp objects. It is not pleasant. I do however, have a stash of lancets and blades for my use so it is not too bad.

I am not trying to advocate or promote self harm. Please do not do such things to yourself, but if you do, stay safe and clean them please. It’ll help. I hope you guys had a lovely day 🙂

Bye for now I guess.

-MAP

 

 

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