I’m tired of feeling like this.  I’m tired of coming into work every single day, and feeling that tightness in my chest.  I’m done with overhearing other’s conversations in the department next to mine, thinking they’re talking about someone getting sick over the weekend, and then I wonder if I’m going to catch it. Then, I realize that’s not what they’re talking about at all, that they’re discussing product that they’re buying, and I have to try to force myself to nix what I’m thinking.  However, that doesn’t always work, and my brain continues to think what it was thinking before.  Or, sometimes I’ll go into work, and wonder if I’m going to get an email or a voicemail from a customer asking that I can help with an issue that is not part of my job, but will help out anyway because it’ll just get pushed back in my direction no matter who I ask to help.

Most days I will feel like this, and then once the day is over, I’m ok.  I just can’t seem to get my mind to stop thinking things that really don’t exist.  I’m on medication for my anxiety, but I will only take it when I absolutely can’t handle the sadness or pain.  But, last week, I was taking one pill every day.  I have an essential oil diffuser bracelet with a Calm essential oil on it I wear daily; sometimes that helps to calm me down, but not always.

It’s not just at work, however.  Even when I’m at home and my husband is at work, I start to feel that anxiousness.  I can never fully relax because of the expectation I have as a wife to make sure the apartment is clean, dishes are done, checkbook is figured out, etc.  As much as I know I make him happy, I never feel like I do enough for him.  I’ve grown up facing the fact that I never did enough to help out when I was at home, that I was always lazy.  Because of that, I’ve pushed myself to do more than I can handle to make others happy.  But inside, I’m not.  Sometimes, my nerves get so bad that I can’t eat or sleep.  There are only certain people that I can talk to about my problems.  I normally can tell my husband everything, but when I start to have an anxiety attack, his response isn’t always helpful.  Sometimes, he’ll be supportive, and try what he can to cheer me up.  But, other times, he’ll get irritated and start saying things like “You have so much going for you and so much to be happy about, why are you feeling depressed?”  That only makes things worse.  I tell him not to worry about me (actually, I tell everyone that), but he does anyway.

Things this past week were not good.  I’ve had dealt with anxiety most of the week, and found out on Wednesday morning that my mom (who has AFIB and 4 leaky heart valves) went to the ER early that morning because her heart started racing.  She has been thru that before, but this time wasn’t nearly as bad.  She’s home and doing better now, but it made me even more nervous and now I’ll leave my phone on at night when normally I would shut it off.  Because you just never know if something else is going to happen.  I’ve lived at home up until I was 34 (never was financially stable enough to be on my own, which is my own fault).  My husband (then fiance) and I moved into our first place in August 2016.  I couldn’t wait to get out on my own, and now that I am, it’s way more stressful than I thought it was going to be.  I just need to take it one day at a time, but need to get my head back there instead of in the future.