Ok well this is incredibly hard to type, but even harder to actually say. I am going to just go for it and list all of my "symptoms" and hope maybe I will get some feedback, and maybe not think I'm a disguisting, embarrissing mess.
SYMPTOMS (so to speak)
picking scabs since i can remember, so bad that its to the point my scalp is covered in scabs because I can't seem to let them heal. Picking at my face, I've always had minor acne, but I can't seem to walk past a mirror without noticing a zit, so I pop it or try atleast, and then I see another one…and another…and another….I could literally stand in front of a mirror picking at my face for hours, if I wasn't so disgusted with myself that is. Usually after 10 minutes I convince myself to stop. Smoking cigarettes, picked up my first one at age 15 by 17 I was smoking a pack a day…6 years later still at a pack a day. Smoking pot…tried it when I was 16 didn't like it much. Then a couple years ago while going through some "shitty times" I tried again and realized it kinda made me forget, or atleast not care, about reality. Now it is just really hard to convince myself I don't need it. I can and have went weeks without it, but the first chance i get to score some and "let loose" I can't seem to help myself. Biting my nails, started when I was 9 and am proud to say I quit in April and have been going strong. Not sure how I can quit something like that and not just quit everything else….ugh! OK this one is REALLY embarrassing….but i'm in serious need of letting it all out! Masturbating….now I wont go into detail but I do this anywhere between once and five times a day. The thing that kills me about this is that I am in a really great relationship right now, and it takes away from the pleasure of actual sex. Now all of these things are much worse when I'm not occupied. If I have a full schedule, say I work 8 hours, do some school work for a couple hours, and cook dinner, clean up and so on…..then I can go a whole day without doing these "rituals." But the first second I have to just sit still….I can't. I am constantly thinking also, which I'm sure most people are guilty of. But I have NO IDEA how to just live in the moment, I am constantly thinking about what I have to do in an hour, or tomorrow, or next week. Its like I live each day waiting for the next one to be overwith. I'm really bothered by all of this….I really think I need some help but I don't have insurance or the cash for a therapist. I suppose this is my cry for help…I'm tired of living the way i do. I want to be happy and I can't remember the last time I actually felt that way. And my past might not have been so great, but life is really good right now. Please feel free to post any advice or thoughts…..I really would like somekind of feedback. Even if you tell me I'm a creepy nutcase…
My day started off okay and I was thinking about some of the cool things I could get accomplished today at work for both my work and I, then around mid afternoon things broke loose. I ended up getting into two arguments, which were loud enough so that everyone in the room quieted down enough to hear us. Given that I work in an “investment” company and that what we were doing was not the appropriate place, I just felt bad.
So what happened? Well that is a long story but the one thing that I remember the most about it before I left work 1 ½ hours later was that I was just about to read some things on this site about everyone else that I feel like I have things in common with; less that of my work and its drama.
Symptoms? I thin picking scabs was fun when I was younger but now I tend to leave them alone only because I don't want blood oozing from my body because you know how people treat others with blood on them! Though I find myself creating scabs when I play or work rough around my place or my family's.
About acne, well I don't have pimples like I used too but I like to pick at my face and at times and clock in about 30 minutes or so. I'm like a monkey so don't let yourself have a white hair on your head cause I'll pick it right out! I think it's fun and I do feel bad for doing it sometimes if I bruise myself up a bit but whatever, if I don't do it then no one else will. What do they call it, “manscaping?”
As for smoking and weed, well that is bad so can't relate there as I used to smoke when I was in the Navy for about 8 months. I liked it and couldn't have been in a better place since everyone else did it, Sicily. Smoked weed, too, for a few months before leaving for the Navy since I didn't want to get busted for a DUI before I hit the seas but then again, I could have gotten busted for weed… lol.. Try to quit cause' I'm sure you'll regret it when you hack-up a lung soon.
Master who? Hehe… hmmm… I maybe speaking out of place here but feel I would know based off of experience but people taking anti anxieties or anti depression medications have highs a lows. Some so high that your own comments are normal occurrences and some very lows that the thought about any sex or masturbation is null, even with the bribery of a few bricks of gold! Mentally, yes the thoughts are there, physically, if you're a man, good luck. If you're a woman, good luck too. Have you thought about some gland or ? within your body being hyperactive? If going into details with your mate (like we are animals….hahah) then I would think within my own case that something is needed more or other. All in all, I'm not going to say “normal” but definitely not abnormal. So I guess what I'm saying is that you're body is different from a few of us here or the same as us but you're not alone for sure.
Having fidgeting issues and or cannot stop thinking? I think there are plusses and minuses with the two. For example, I get irritated when I cannot mellow out and relax in order to work on my school, or keep my mouth quiet from talking too much (cause I do that already as part of my job). So I feel hyper or twitchy and cannot keep still like you so I vent that energy out by doing something to better myself like school (as best as I can), work out by walking or biking or construction, type here or read a book or clean my house. On the flip side, if my mind is not racing then I get more worried at that then I would at not being idle because depression kicks in. Then I don't feel like doing anything so I physically and mentally get myself moving, which for some reason hurts my body. Weird!
Sorry to hear about the insurance thing but I would consider this site as a substitute (for what it's worth) because there are many good people here with all of our quirks, drama, personalities, ethnicities, and so forth.
So my long story short deal here I just wanted to conclude that out of every thing that I have said, the last thing that comes to mind is probably what my first paragraph was all about. It's that out of all the things about me and what goes on around me, I knew that I could look at this site and see people that I can relate too and that makes it okay for me. I know there are many many others out there like us and it is I that am the fortunate one to have what I have, in life, and to know about this place.
Hope these words find you and good spirits :o)
Nic
You are not a creepy nutcase. Could the picking be a bit of OCD? Weed ah weed such a wonderful yet not wonderful thing. I too use it to \”forget\”, I find it also stops a great deal of my anxiety. However, as Robert Downey Jr said Weed it the biggest ambition killer out there, and I find that to be true. Could the masturbation be a compulsion as well? A need to feel pleasure in some form?
Just wanted you to know that your \”cry for help\” was heard and you are not alone.
I agree with everyone else that you are definitely not a creepy nutcase.
I pick as scabs too, or my dry cracked lips, or use my tongue to.. \”pick\” at an open gum after a tooth has been extracted.
Though I don\'t smoke cause I really hate cigarettes, I would probably try weed before I die. Mind you, the only reason why I think I haven\'t tried it is because from where I\'m from (originally from Singapore), you can get hanged for trafficking it.. not too sure about using it though.
Anyway, I think what you said about learning to love yourself is probably the best advice out there. Its not easy, but its worth it. Have a little patience though.. it might take some time
Thank you all so much. I feel like I\'m being understood and not judged on here. which is really exactly what I\'m looking for. Weed is definetly an ambition killer! I have figured that out in the past 2 years….but also it is a self medicating thing. When I smoke I can actually sit and watch an entire 1/2 hour episode of tv without getting up 10 times to do something. Today is a new day, and thanks to all of you who commented I am smoke free…well weed anyways…cigarettes are a tad harder to kick. And I am trying to find other things to do with my hands. The OCD thing is something I have been trying to talk myself out of. Which is probably a symptom lol. But my dad has definetly got some issues with this and I notice myself following in his footsteps. Such as the house being clean…growing up EVERYTHING had to be in its place. And if he came home and it wasn\'t perfect, he would spend the entire evening cleaning and fixing things until he couldn\'t stand it and went to bed. During these times of \”OCD episodes\” he wouldn\'t talk to us, shut himself out, never wanted help because \”we couldn\'t do it right if we tried\” and this is also something I see in myself. I am a neat freak, but its not like I go through the house cloroxing everything. For instance my vaccuum is always run, house always dusted, and rarely a dish left in the sink. But open up my tuperware cupboard and BOOM its a disaster. These are the same types of things my dad did, its like only the things you can see all the time really matter. And I would rather work alone pretty much all the time, I am a people person for sure, but when it comes to something I am working on I don\'t like to take the chance of someone else screwing it up. And I think that some of my \”rituals\” picking and such have alot in common with OCD symptoms. However, when I went to a therapist about a year ago, without me being in his office for 10 minutes he diagnosed me as bipolar. He said I had bipolar II disorder, which is just a milder version. But the more I read up on it, I felt like it could maybe be possible, but not the only issue. The only times that I feel the depression is when I have nothing to do to keep me occupied. Then I just feel worthless….I could work 7 days in a row and when I finally get the 8th day off, you better believe I won\'t be spending it on the couch. Anyways I know I\'ve gotten way off topic. Just that whole OCD commment really struck something. I love my dad despite his disease, but he has become a miserable old man. All he cares about is his rituals now…and I really don\'t want to become that person. I want a family and children one day and I am so scared I will be the same kind of parent he was….the kind that isn\'t there because they are too busy cleaning. Thanks again…this is very therapeutic
\”The OCD thing is….to…. BOOM its a disaster.\” – that\'s exactly the way I am/feel as that\'s my mother and I, even me down to the Tupperware thing! I don\'t think it\'s odd and actually find it a good characteristic about myself. I know that I always do the best that I can and take pride in what I\'m doing at the time. If I overkill it, oh well. At least I\'m better or knowledgeable in the area just in.
With regards to your dad's traits and you? Highly unlikely and I'm saying that from a “non-medical” perspective. I don't believe that stuff like that runs in a family unless someone finds a gene linked to it and can prove it. Additionally, we are the product of our environment so all you know is of your dad and how he used to clean. I'm sure if your dad was “less clean” then you may be like that only because you learned from example, but just think, when you have a child some day or at least have little ones in your home, you will feel very satisfied that those little ones can be more safe from germs and or other stuff like dirt and bugs. Just the other day my daughter came home after spending a few days with her mom and I felt very good about myself for cleaning the house really good so she can have a nice place to be and sleep at.
On another note, you'll be more like your dad in some ways then you realize it right now because us humans always tend to do the same things as we get older but in our own way, not theirs….
Congrats on the “weed” thing… that's a big deal! Impressive…
I pick things to, Never really noticed how obsessive it was until I watched \”Obsessed\” Mind you I dont go crazy but cannot leave a blemish or scab alone! I dont smoke or do pot but I have drank to forget. The self-pleasuring thing, It makes me think of sometimes in my life I just cannot get enough sex, and I think its because – at that time in that moment no extra thoughts, no anxiety, no ocd or depression. And Im an avid planner drives people crazy, I can get worn out and make myself have an anxiety attack over things I \”should\” be doing!
You’re not a creepy nutcase.
I pick at my scabs as well. So much that my left calf is covered in scars. It’s something I’ve become very self-conscious about so I try not to wear shorts and just wear jeans everyday instead. It’s not so bad. I’ve been trying to stop, though.
I don’t smoke at all, and I don’t plan to. I don’t really want to get myself involved in that because for me I know I’d probably get addicted quickly, and I don’t want to end up relying on something like that to help me cope. I would much rather learn how to do it myself, but it’s mostly preference I guess.
As for the sex thing, I really can’t relate. I’m asexual. That’s probably all you really need to know.
Have a great rest of your week:)!