First off, I'm really glad I found this online community.  I know that one of the best things I can do to treat my depression is to write, so this is good.  It's good to have a forum.

A little bit about me, I'm 23, female, a writer/editor but I'm at a crossroads when it comes to my career.  I've been dating someone for about 2 years and we live together.  I live in a big city, I'm currently unemployed, I love cats (hence the username).  I lived in Mexico for a while after I graduated college.

Depression.  It was something that I became aware of my second year of college.  My roommate and boyfreind at the time both suggested I see the school counselor since I wasn't dealing with stresses well and they had both benefitted from counseling.  I agreed to go and from then on I went to counseling about every week until I graduated. 

I had a great counselor.  I really felt I could tell her anything and she'd help me get through it.  I was rarely embarrassed in front of her which is strange for me, because I'm usually in a constant state of embarrassment in front of other people.   She told me I had dysthymia and GAD and I agreed to stick to counseling but not to go on any meds. 

Even though I became aware of my depression and anxiety in college, I suspect it really started when i was about 14.  I drift in and out of depressed moods almost always but my years are punctuated with episodes of major depression.  I manage my depression well except when going through these episodes.  My first was when I was 14.  I had a "boyfriend" (in middle-school terms) who broke up with me just before our first day of high school and proceeded to ignore me completely.  I felt awful.  I didn't eat hardly anything and lost 10 pounds in about a week.  I couldn't do things with out crying.  I was a swimmer at the time and I remember my goggles filling with tears while I swam. 

Now I'm 2 years out of college and, thus, it's been 2 years since I've had counseling.  I've been having a difficult time since I left college, and now it's starting to feel like I've hit rock bottom.  I went to Mexico and was quite lonely, I liked it there but it was definitely an adjustment.  I thought life would get better when I came home to the US, but it got worse.  Since I've been back I haven't been able to get a job that lasts more than 3 months…I've done temp work, seasonal, part time, etc.  but nothing stable.  I live with my boyfriend and owe him a good amount of money.  A few weeks ago I found out I got a full time job at a newspaper.  I was so excited, I thought everything was going to be better and I would be able to start paying off my debts and get on my feet.  I was then laid off in a very inappropriate manner only a week later. 

Ever since, I've been feeling worthless, hopeless and worried.  I can't see solutions.  I don't even know how I'm going to pay my rent.  I get "paralyzed" by my depression and I find it extremely difficult to be productive during the day.  Of course I am searching for a new job but nothing has come up and I honestly have no hope.  I cry and sleep a lot and my weight has gone down.  I get migraine headaches and feel tired most of the day.

My boyfriend doesn't want me to, but I'd like to go home and live with my parents until these things pass.  I feel very lonely when he is at work and I would rather just not be here.  I love him and I know he loves me, but I don't know what to do. 

I'm hoping writing things out will help me to make a descison and eventually help these feeling go away.  I want to feel better, but at times it feels impossible.