Hi all…I'm new here, and today I'm sad. But then again, most days I'm sad.
My life is not at all what I thought it would be. I've had chronic depression for most of my life. For a long, long time, I "managed" it.
But now I'm right back in the crosshairs of a full blown deep depression. When I get like this, I miss my Mom even more. And my thoughts center around just wanting to be with her in Heaven. I know how to get there, and I have the means, but there is one main reason why I won't take the pills or give myself a huge dose of insulin…my son. He's the only reason…well, that and a teeny, tiny, microscopic atom of hope somewhere deep inside, that I will get out of this,once again.
I've been in the same clothes for days now, and I need to get some food in the house, and do some laundry. And pay rent and bills. And get on with life.
But my bed and a book call to me, so I find myself sleeping a lot. And when I'm awake, I'm reading and smoking. Just like my depressed, alcoholic, deceased father. Someone I never wanted to be.
How do I fight this, when I'm so tired of fighting? How do I stand up when all I want to do is lay down and die?
I'm 53 years old, trying to make it on disability (and failing), after making $60,000 a year. I've not been on a date in over 15 years. I've not made love in nearly 10 years. I don't have any friends. And way too much time on my hands. I'd like to work a part-time job just to get out of here, but so far, there hasn't been any responses to my applications (I haven't worked since April, 2010).
Any suggestions? Comments? Thoughts? Sources of hope?