Hi all,

This is my first note on any anxiety repalted website about my issue.

To start with I have been told over the last year at least that my issue is anxiety, and not heart issues which I had believed and maybe still partially believe.

Maybe 10 years ago or so, I had panic and anxiety issues which eventually were dealt with my a psychiatrist and Paxil. I stayed on Paxil for over a year, got weaned off and then I was fine. for years…

7 years ago some major health issues hit me, started with severe pancreatitis which left me hospitalized for 3 months, which lead to gall bladder removal as it was the source of the pancreatitis. After that developed pancreatic pseudocysts which needed major surgery to drain and correct. This also gave me 2 hernias which were repaired in separate surgeries. All of these problems basically left me on disability away from work. Was a very tough time in my life.

Eventually Last October I went back to work after 6 years away. This is when I noticed anxiety creeping back in to my life. The fear of not knowing how to do my job, and being fired and left with no income was a real fear.

In March I had a sore gut and fever, and after a few days with my past history decided to visit the hospital rather than family doctor. I had bloodwork, and the doctor came back and said we can't find anything but to rule out anything with your pancreas (due to previous pancreatitis) he wanted to do a ct scan. I said well, if you think it is needed. I had it done. A couple hours later, 2 doctors came back. First one said your pancreas looks fine. The other one said we saw a growth on your right kidney. I am like you are frickin kidding me. He said we need to investigate it, and admitted me. Had an ultrasound and a renal CT scan. The urologists believed it was likely renal cell carcinoma, cancer. I was booked for surgery to remove the mass. A couple months passed and I had the surgery. The whole time worrying that it might be cancer and what that meant. The surgery happened, and the pathology came back and it was cancer, stage 1. No chemo required but every 6 month follow-ups for 5 years. That was a blessing, but I am down to 1 kidney as there was so much bleeding when trying to sew up my kidney that they had to remove it.

I kept bringing this up with my family doctor about these anxiety feelings, with fast pulse etc.. he believed it was anxiety but wanted to check it out to be sure. I had referral made to a cardiologist which took some months to hear back from them. In the meantime arranged another referral to another doctor, actually a retired cardiac surgeon who knows pretty much everything about the heart.

It just so happens with all the delays, both appointments came up the same week. A month before the heart specialist appointments I went back to the psychiatrist that I had seen for the Paxil many years back. He put me on a different anti-anxiety medication, Pristiq.

So, the week with 2 cardiac appointments came and I met with both doctors. First one examined be briefly and examined my past test results and gave me an EKG himself. He said not to worry about my heart. A lot has happened to me but my heart was not my problem. He said quit feeling my pulse and checking my blood pressure, trust him. I have had a hard time doing that. Later that week saw the cardia surgeon who spent a good 45 minutes going over me, feeling my pulse at verious parts of my body and going over results. He also said I don't have a heart problem. I said well why am I getting fast pulse at times, there must be a problem. He said well what type of heart problem do you want? I said I don't want one, I just want to not have this fast pulse. He said as of now you don't have a heart problem, but he can't guarantee that I never would.

I was put on a different blood pressure medication which for the first few days kept my pulse quite low, like resting around 57. But then my body got used to it, now it does what it wants.. hehe.

My concern is standing for a long time, or taking transit to work, that my pulse goes up either from anxiety or another reason. By the time I get to work somedays my pulse may be 120. When it normally is around 65-70 when resting. It has made me afraid at times to do exercise, and to drive to work rather than take transit.

Just want a normal life with no fast pulse or feelings of anxiety. I think Pristiq has made things somewhat better but definately has not removed all anxiety.

The last 7 years of my life has been full of trials, full to the brim. I forgot I also got hit by a transit bus while I was walking,during my 6 years away from work too.

I just keep hoping for eventually feel "normal", but what does that mean? I guess for me it means to not be afraid of what might happen…..