It has been almost two months now. i couldnt remember at first when i stopped because it was kind of a spure of the moment thing. But i thought back and it was right after my boyfriends birthday that i stopped. His birthday was december 5th. so im going to say it was the 11th. so saying almost two months is still accurate right.? Anyways, the wanting is still there. everyday, actually numerous times a day. i can honestly say its not wanting vicodin or percocept. I just want a xanax or something to calm down. i feel so anxious all the time. i mean dont get me wrong, i still want the pain meds but i find myself wishing for a xanax more.

I hate feeling like im ruining my relationship because of what im going through. I cant even talk to my partner about how im feeling or what im thinking. it hasnt been two months and he is already sick of hearing about it. i cant help that it is what im always thinking about. I'm not going to be like this forever, just for a little while while i get over the hard parts. but how do you do that when you feel like you have no one.? Quiting has brought so many insecurities to the surface, so many feelings and things i tried so hard over the years to bury. i know i should look into counseling or therapy but i have tried all those routes before and jason said he would help me, he said he would be my person through this because he wanted me to see myself how he see's me but i couldnt do that while on the pills. he said he wouldnt let me fall because he would catch me. well, i feel alone all the time, i hate all of these insecurities and feeling like he is sick of me because yes i am moopy, i dont have any energy, everything in my body hurts, and im sorry but i feel like im falling fast and hard and i dont think there is going to be anyone there to catch me..

1 Comment
  1. alanoriley 9 years ago

    Dear Peej:

    When I was in early recovery I felt like I was poor father, partner, brother and son.  I thought to myself, if I could just get high one time I could do all the things I need to do.  I could be the super-dad, I could catch up alot of stuff I had been putting off.  Of course when I explained this to my sponsor he knew exactly how I felt because he had gone through the exact same thing.  The way he explained it to me made perfect sense.  For years I had been convincing myself that the most ridiculous crap was good for me.  If someone else had tried to tell me that sticking a needle full of poisin in my arm was good for me I would have laughed at their stupidity, but, somehow I could convince myself of the exact same thing.  As an addict, and especially in early recovery I could trust very little of what went through my head.  The addict part of my brain was not happy without the drugs and it (I) would tell me something was wrong and somehow blame it on my not using drugs.   I found myself thinking things just like, "I could really use a xanax", and "I think I'm ruining my relationship."  The fact was though, that I was clean.  Staying clean was the one thing I could do that was right.  For me, xanax would have ultimately led back to opiates and my thinking I was doing wrong in any of my relationships really made no sense.  I was doing the one thing I could at that time for the long term greater good of all my relationships.  If I had listened to me and believed that I was no good "because I was staying clean", I'd have convinced myself into getting high again.  When I was first getting clean my thoughts ran the gammit of "the crazies".  I just listened to my sponsor, waited it out, stayed clean one more day.  You'll feel better, I promise you that.  Using drugs changes your wiring system, just give it a little time to straighten back out.  I still try to tell myself crazy things, at least now I can recognize them as ridiculous  Using drugs just makes absolutely no sense, it IS pure nonsense.  I still think to myself, sometimes, I would like to get high.  I just can't.  It would truly be insane at this point, well, at any point.  Hang in there and keep doing anything that is positive and doesn't include ANY type of drug.  Things will turn in your direction.  Sooner rather then later because you've made it through the absolute toughest part, the first 60 days.  Stay clean and everything will fall into place.  Try out AA NA just give it a shot.  They'll know what you're talking about they've been there, truly.

    Great Blessings are coming soon if you stay clean.



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