My name is Emma. I’m will turn 22 in exactly a month. I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety for years now. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma throughout my life that has contributed to my struggle.

For starters, my parents, who actually adopted me at birth, divorced when I was around 12-13. My mother was an abusive narcissist. She effectively destroyed the family. My father, is bipolar in addition to being an alcoholic. I have two older brothers. One, who I was close to as a child, moved away with my mother. I no longer have contact with either. My other brother, the oldest, is married and lives with his wife not too far from where I live with my dad. We’ve never been close. The age gap made it hard to get along. That sadly hasn’t changed over years. If anything, it’s worse. He acknowledges my dad has a drinking problem, but won’t really confront him about it. His wife, my sister in law, doesn’t seem to realize nor care that it’s a problem. She actually told my dad behind my back when I tried expressing my concern about his drinking. Needless to say, it proved I couldn’t trust her. My brother also criticizes the legitimacy of my depression, despite the fact I’m medicated for it as well as anxiety. My dad does as well. They basically think I’m “too young” or I’m just “making excuses” when I say I’m depressed. My dad however, is allowed to be depressed. Though he refuses to seek professional help. He’d much rather self medicate with something like vodka or moonshine. I’ve accepted that I can’t fix something he isn’t willing to, but that doesn’t make it easier. I have to basically stand by and watch him kill himself slowly, while simultaneously being subjected to his random and volatile outbursts due to his poor mental state.

I have a few friends, but I don’t get to spend much time with them. They all have lives and problems of their own, so I’d rather not burden them with mine. Besides, when I DO try to express how I feel, I’m given basic “advice” on why I shouldn’t feel the way I do. It also hurts to see all my friends have happy, eventful lives, while I feel trapped in my own.

I’m stuck at a job I hate, with coworkers that are mostly bullies. Or who simply ignore my existence. I work second shift, which is extra hard cause I’m also in college. Which is my next problem. My grades are slipping, and if they do I’ll lose my financial aid. Which will land me in debt, and likely result in me having to drop out. I already feel like a failure in all aspects, so I don’t think I’d be able to overcome that.

I’m exhausted all the time, and people always wonder why. I’m supposed to be “young and healthy.” So therefore I have no problems, right? If only it were that simple.

This is just a few of the reasons I struggle so much with depression, as well as anxiety. I don’t have a plan to kick myself, but I fantasize about it. It comforts me when I’m particularly bitter and sad. I just live in my head to avoid dealing with my problems, but this obviously does me no favors. It just makes my life that much harder when I’m forced to face the sour reality of it all. I just wish I could…stop existing. I’m tired. Of anything and everything.