It’s odd. Coming in here and actually seeing words from my own thoughts, sitting there staring at me. It’s different when you think on them vs. when you actually visualize it. My story is not better nor worse than the next persons. But it’s mine and it’s slowly killing me.

Every other weekend, holidays and school breaks we were sent off to the fathers home of my siblings. He divorced my mom a month after I was born, because I was an issue. That being said, I still had his last name and back in those times it was what it was, in accordance to law, I was his kid. This created a hatred like no other.

So I was sent with my siblings to their dads and I definitely was not wanted there. He was remarried and had another son by his new wife, and a step daughter. He was an avid boater and often weekends and Holidays were spent camping and on the boat. Except, I was not allowed on the boat. He would have to be in a real good mood with life, if I got to go.

Normally I was left at the camp with his new baby. One time when I was six, they left me with the baby, he was all of six months and told me to watch him. When they got back, everyone was so happy, but the baby had a small sunburn on his forehead. The step mom was not happy and took me to the bathroom to smack the crap out of me, shake me like I was dice and berate me on what an unwanted bastard I was. I was sent to sit by a tree while they packed the camp up.

But.. they loaded all the kids up and drove off and left me. They forgot me, this would become a pattern in my life, but in that moment, I was six years old and left in front of camp bathrooms and thought I would never see my mom again.

I’m not sure how long I was there. I remember a State trooper coming and sitting with me, then I seen the truck with my family pull back in. My mom said I had been left there for close to four hours before a family called the troopers from a pay phone and the trooper notified her. My mom wrote her house number in all our clothes. Had she not done so, I’m not sure how long I would have sat there. However, when we got back to their home everyone blamed me for ruining the camping trip.

The next day we went to his moms house, their grandmas home, and she too hated the sight of me. I was not ever allowed to sit the same dinner table as her, or go to her kitchen to get treats like the others. I was made to sit in the same corner of her living room, every visit. And when everyone sat to eat, I had my own table facing the wall to sit at, so no one had to look at me.

During these visits she would take the time to tell me I wasn’t suppose to be born, my mom should have got rid of me, or gave me away, I was a part of satan. I taint everyone else.

My mom ! Heh she would say, was a slut and a whore for the rape. Never mind that the rapist was a childhood friend of my moms and her family.

See, he broke into my moms apartment that she shared with her husband, and grabbed her, locked her in the bathroom and raped her savagely while my siblings screamed outside the door. But..l little town ND, and it got hushed up, because he was a alcoholic, had always “ loved” my mom, and neither family wanted it all around town.

I often wondered as a child and even more so as an adult. Why… why did she make me go with them, to their dads home, to be hurt and abused, and shamed, when I didn’t belong.

I know she needed breaks but we’re they worth what happened to my tiny heart?

I never asked, I couldn’t. I knew it would hurt her and she was the one person in life, I never wanted to hurt. She was the only person who ever loved me. Even when her favorite cousin touched me wrong, I never ever told her. I never cried, I never said a word, until now, and to one person in my life ( I’ll speak Of him later  ) because I knew it would hurt her. Even then I knew I was nothing. But I knew I needed to absorb the pain of others around me.