The last time I have been feeling even worse than normal. First I liked this time that I didn’t have to go to school but now it’s too much. Every time I’m alone these really depressing thoughts come over me. I feel so hopeless, stupid, worthless, empty and alone and I don’t know what to do… It’s getting harder for me to fake a smile
At night the thought of popping the balloon keeps me up, let me explain:
so imagine a balloon, that represents me. And the air inside is the emptiness I feel every day. You can let that air out by untying the knot or… by popping the balloon. and I don’t know how to untie it so I’m just sitting by myself at night thinking about if it would be easier if I just popped and died…
Now, I don’t really want to die and even if I would want to, I don’t have the courage in killing myself and I don’t think it’s the smartest idea to kill yourself because the only way you can be happy is here on earth because even if heaven is real you wouldn’t even remember everything that happened in your life on earth because your brain and body and heart are still here, on earth. (My point of view, sorry if I offended you)
I just want someone to hold me and make me feel safe and I want someone with whom i can break down and who would just comfort me but the problem is that I don’t let anyone close to me. I always answer with: ‘I’m good’ so no one actually knows what’s happening inside my head. But my head is soooo dark and I always feel so tired, not because I don’t sleep a lot, just because I can’t stop thinking.
I want this depression to be over but I don’t know how to stop it from killing me.
If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.