I am struggling to keep hope about a few things. So many things have gone badly in the last few years but especially the last 18 months or so. None of the people I believed loved and cared for me actually did. All of my dreams have gone and become rather impossible. I have tried hard to keep seeing the good and to form new dreams. I have tried hard to keep on going.

Right now I sit in a house full of boxes and memories. We have a smaller place now and even though I have gotten rid of many things before we moved…..we still do not have room for it all. I am overwhelmed and struggling to care enough to get it all done. Today I should have been searching for a job but I did not. Instead I enjoyed the fact that my husband was out of the house since I know that will likely be rare for quite some time now that he is jobless.

There is a large difference between what my heart wants and what I have learned. My heart would love to let people see me, to find someone who would be my friend even after they know the real me, to let someone see who I really am inside. My life has taught me that is always, always a bad idea. A few years ago when I began having serious trouble with depression it was suggested that I reach out a little and learn to trust. I did. I got burned 6 times. Also I discovered none of my family cared about me enough to stand with me when I finally faced and abuser and said no more. I have been abandoned by all who could do so. My children and husband have not as they need me. My Grandma has not as she needs me too. I know she loves me.

Struggling with a lot right now. Yet, thanks to the new meds I am not suicidal nor am I stuck in my bed. I do not know if its good or not, but I can function and keep on moving.

1 Comment
  1. CarlaM 10 years ago

    Steph I hate to hear you are having issues such as these actually my issues aren't that bad but my supposedly fiance stays out all night drinking coming in at all odd hours of the morning and we have 4 girls and a little boy on the way.  I try to talk to him about it but he always says he's gonna stop and he does for about a day or two but starts right back up so I'm not sure of what to do.  We have been together for 18 years and he is actually all I know and I love him to death but I'm not sure I can continue this life.  Like I said I'm 7 months pregnant with our first son and I don't think he takes any of this into consideration.  I want to leave so bad but I can't make myself do so.  He had a herion problem about 3 years ago that I helped him get off of and he says that he feels like he owes me his life then turns around and makes me cry almost every night and I don't even think he cares.  I have come to the point were I feel a little suicidal but I know if I did that my girls would have no one to depend on so they are the ones that really keep me going. So if I were you I wouldn't feel to bad because I'm finding myself depressed all the time even though I know it's not good for the baby I can't help myself.

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