Hi this is my first blog. I'm not even sure what to really write down. I guess I should start time by telling how I really feel. I'm so lost and confused. I'm married pregnant and I have four kids. I thought I'd be happy that am married. Instead I feel my husband choses to work out of state to be away from us. I'm so very heartbroken. I tried to talk to him about things, but all he does is yell and curse at me. I can't exactly explain how long I felt this way. All I know is that when I got pregnant at 35,my depression got worse. My nurse convinces me that this is perfectly normal. I've never been so sad and so lonely ever. One reason I'm so confused is because I'm a Christian , how can I feel so low and I'm constantly motivating others. I'm constantly praying for people, yet I'm feeling this way. I feel helpless, so hopeless and can't seem to find happiness in anything anymore. I have beautiful children that love me and I find it so hard to be around them. I love them to the moon and back. This depression is making me distance myself from my family. I use to attend Al-Anon meetings and weekly counseling, I felt so much happiness but I was still lost.

I had a little bit of a different and difficult childhood. This made me the person I am today. I used to be so strong and emotionally had things together. One day I woke up and I didn't even know that strong person was gone. Now I realize that I no longer have that me. One day I would like to be happy. I can't remember the last time I felt worthy of having my life.I constantly cry and I just stay home in bed. I know I'm depressed because I know longer care.