I am sittig here after eating. I am such a fat whore. I want to puke. I ate so much. My head tells me to eat but my stoach says no more. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Go fucking die you fat whore. The voices tell me that I am fat, ugly un wanted un loved. No one would care if I died. I have all the tools to kill myself. I have enough anti depressants to OD. I have a rope to hang myself. I have enough sleeping pills to never wake up again. I have a blade sharp enough to cut deep enough to bleed to death. I wish I was as brave as that girl who killed herself last year. Everyone was so sad then they fogot her, that’s how it will be with me, they will be sad but then they will forget. I am a useless fat whore. I can feel my bile in my throat waiting to puke up my fat. They watch me because I might hurt them but I wont, I will just hurt myself. They don’t understand. Everyone leaves. And everyone dies. The only difference is when and how. I am to scared to kill myself. But I am so lonely. All I want is a girlfriend, someone to hold me and tell me that I am beautiful. I have been alone for so long. I see my ex, she is so happy without me, I don’t know what I did to lose her. She was my everything. And I am nothing to her. She walks past me in school, she doesn’t know me anymore, but I die inside and die a little more. No one gets it. Its all the same “ you have to want to get better, it will get better.” when! When will this hell end!!! I am lost. I can do this anymore. So alone, so fat, so ugly. Its me. Its always me that fucks things up. I push people away. No own would ever love something as ugly as me. Fat. Fat. Fat. Stop eating and you will get beautiful. And maybe then someone will want you….. No, no one would ever want me. I am ugly. I am useless. I am fat. I am not good enough. I am broken. I am alone. Forever alone. No one wants me. No one cares. No one.

RIP Ruby you are a brave girl who found the light, you are free now. You can be happy now.

1 Comment
  1. tearfulme 9 years ago

    I understand were u coming from im also a big girl feel ugly not loved by means but I no some one out there well love us for us no matter how big we are I feel u ma I no what u going thru

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