It amazes me at the timing of pessimistic thoughts and how strong they can be. I can be doing the most mundane thing when a thought comes into my head. I was taking the dogs outside before it rained and while I watched them play, I began to think about where I am in life in relation to my peers…it's quite pathetic from my perspective…I have been in therapy for the majority of the last 11 years and I can't say I have made any big changes. Earlier this week I saw my nurse practitioner and she added Deplin. Given the information and the purpose of this medication, I had a little hope that some of the clouds would go away so I could see some sun. I am surprised I had even those fleeting thoughts given my past response to medications. I guess I have to choose between mental anguish and physical torment (I mentioned having headaches and my dad said Deplin can cause them). Given these developments, I feel I am back where I was earlier this week…
My brother came home yesterday to cut the grassand so our dad could fix his car. Somehow we managed a conversation that lasted more than a five minutes (which is rare). He has heard me mention wanting a tattoo for the past few years and he tol me there was a place close to us that offers a discount on Friday 13th. He wanted us to get matching tattoos…me being me and being so susceptible to…compassion began to think and even do research on a design. I didn't get the sense he was being sarcastic or making a joke. I felt he was serious. I suppose a "honeymoon phase" can occur in many different areas of life, not just after a wedding. For a few hours after he said this I was feeling excited, a sense of belonging and cared for. The positive feelings began to fade just a few hours later…I should have expected this but I guess like a fool who hasn't had depression for as long as me, I let the "happiness" grow out of control.
Why does the crash back to reality hurt so much? I get these feelings after I finish reading a book andafter I leave a family gathering.