It amazes me at the timing of pessimistic thoughts and how strong they can be. I can be doing the most mundane thing when a thought comes into my head. I was taking the dogs outside before it rained and while I watched them play, I began to think about where I am in life in relation to my peers…it's quite pathetic from my perspective…I have been in therapy for the majority of the last 11 years and I can't say I have made any big changes. Earlier this week I saw my nurse practitioner and she added Deplin. Given the information and the purpose of this medication, I had a little hope that some of the clouds would go away so I could see some sun. I am surprised I had even those fleeting thoughts given my past response to medications. I guess I have to choose between mental anguish and physical torment (I mentioned having headaches and my dad said Deplin can cause them). Given these developments, I feel I am back where I was earlier this week…
My brother came home yesterday to cut the grassand so our dad could fix his car. Somehow we managed a conversation that lasted more than a five minutes (which is rare). He has heard me mention wanting a tattoo for the past few years and he tol me there was a place close to us that offers a discount on Friday 13th. He wanted us to get matching tattoos…me being me and being so susceptible to…compassion began to think and even do research on a design. I didn't get the sense he was being sarcastic or making a joke. I felt he was serious. I suppose a "honeymoon phase" can occur in many different areas of life, not just after a wedding. For a few hours after he said this I was feeling excited, a sense of belonging and cared for. The positive feelings began to fade just a few hours later…I should have expected this but I guess like a fool who hasn't had depression for as long as me, I let the "happiness" grow out of control.
Why does the crash back to reality hurt so much? I get these feelings after I finish reading a book andafter I leave a family gathering.

1 Comment
  1. sasha1969 7 years ago

    Please don't compare yourself to your peers.  It just isn't fair to you.  Your peers have NOT walked in your shoes and had the experiences that you have.  Could be that if they had, it would have totallly crushed them.  You are a fighter Tess or you wouldn't still be here.  Be kind to yourself please.

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