It started as far back as I can remember. The best way to describe it is a hollow feeling in my gut, I often refer to it as being “sick.” My family described me as a “Nervous Child.” The first day of Little League I remember vividly. While putting on my uniform at home, I was trembling, heart pounding, unable to even tie my own shoe. That day I vomited and cried numerous times. My mother knew I was nervous but her way of handling it was to make me “face my fears” and go to the game. Every year I got “sick” before the beginning of the school year. It would start in August with all the back-to school commercials. I would have horrible nightmares about not knowing where to go, not having clothes on, forgetting my locker combination. At times I would just cry, when asked what’s wrong I would say I didn’t know, I just felt sad. I did well in school, had many friends and enjoyed going. My childhood was good, I had a loving family but I remember the feeling of being blue!
My freshman year of college was the worst for being sick. I managed to stay in school; I went home that year for the summer and could hardly function. I cried and slept for close to two weeks. This feeling normally lasted only a day or two this was the first time that I couldn’t shake it. I kept trying to figure out the meaning of life, was it worth it? What am I doing here?! I knew something was wrong but too embarrassed to say anything. I figured I was in a bad slump. After about a month it finally passed.
As a young adult my nerves seemed to get worse. I started to get panic attacks, shortness of breath and overwhelming feelings of worry. I often was not happy, yet, I made a conscious effort not to let anybody know. I was always smiling and people enjoyed being around me. I was able to control it.
Now, when I get sick I am unable to hide it. I can’t concentrate, my hands shake, my heart pounds, I get that hollow stomach, and I get very irritable. I worry about the stupidest things, it’s a feeling of something being very wrong but you can’t but your finger on it (all the time in my head I know nothing is wrong.) I tell myself nothing is wrong but it is as if someone just died (a pit in my stomach.) The smallest thing can set me off, a car horn, loud sounds/music, someone giving me a dirty look, no milk in the fridge, toothpaste in the sink. I find it difficult to rationally deal with confrontation, I often get mean and nasty. I cannot focus on work. I just want to scream, throw/break something or cry. When I get anxiety, I replay the scenario in my head over and over. I just can’t seem to let it go.
I now have these anxiety attacks practically everyday, the majority of them are mild ones. Once a year I get pretty sick, in my head I tell myself there is nothing to be upset about and life is good but that pit in my stomach tells me differently. I usually go to bed and try to sleep it off. This lasts anywhere from one to three weeks. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this but knew I needed help so I went to the walk in medical center for a cold and explained my feelings to the Doctor and he prescribed Xanex for my anxiety which seem to work well. About a month ago, I felt I needed something everyday so was prescribed Buspirone which doesn’t seem to be helping much.
I lost my dog, Reggie, due to old age just about two months ago (he was 16.) I’m having a tough time getting over him. The first month was the most difficult with nightly dreams of him being lost and I can’t find him, also a recurring dream was that Reggie was just fine, a friend was hiding him from me as a joke.
This has been the longest span of time that I have been sick, other than in 1987.
I guess it is time to seek professional help?
I would say that would be a good thing to consider.
It sounds like we go through pretty much the same symptoms, even how many times they hit a year.
I am on daily meds and they have seemed to help thus far. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to adjust them or something, but I don't know how I would have survived without them.
Even if you don't want to be on meds all the time, just having someone to talk to that is neutral, who has seen all of this before and can give you some tips, that really helps. Knowing that you aren't judged and you can say whatever you are feeling, you can let loose and cry your eyes out, seems to make a difference on how fast these spells subside.
I wish you the best of luck.
It's strange, I find comfort in knowing there are more folks like me…..
Thank you.