So, there's something I didn't mention amidst all of my dramatic blogs about the stupid crap going on between my ex boyfriend and I: two nights ago, at 2 in the morning, I woke up and came to the computer and wrote him a long email.
In the email, I told him I was asking him one last time to reconsider, and let us have another chance together. I wrote it very calmly and rationally, told him all the reasons why we should be together and asked him to please think about it carefully. Amongst my reasons were the fact that nothing bad has happened in our relationship; we've been incredibly happy together. I told him it's a shame to kill it when we have not even fought or grown apart or anything. And I told him I believe he and I are meant to be together. I promised him that it was the last time I would mention getting back together. I told him I feel like a fool writing to him, but that it was important enough to me that I felt I had to give it one last try. Do you think I went too far?
Then yesterday I took a break from checking email. I made myself wait until right before I went to bed last night to check – and there was no reply from him yet. That was a relief.
And today I've made myself wait all day long again….after I log out of this website, I'm going to check and see if he's replied yet…..I'm getting so nervous.
I'm pretty sure what he's going to say. He's going to give me a big fat NO couched in gentle, caring language. He will tell me it just doesn't feel right to him, but he wants to be good friends with me forever after. And he will tell me sorry but he's moving on.
I've been trying to prepare myself for this all day, for the death of my final hope.
I know I will be okay.
I was okay before I met him. He has done a lot for me and I'm glad I met him. I have grown and changed so much in the past year, both before and since I met him.
I am doing SO much better now than I was even six months ago. I must remind myself of that and not let this break up make me lose my momentum.
Just today, I easily made a phone call and asked the lady questions with barely any anxiety at all. Later I went grocery shopping and talked and laughed with the cashier. I took my son to summer camp, and later to a swimming lesson, where I comfortably chatted with a father who has become a real friend to me. All of these things would have caused me incredible anxiety only about 6 months ago.
So no matter what I lose in losing in my boyfriend, I do not lose myself, I do not lose the progress I have made, or the things I have accomplished.