It started as far back as I can remember. The best way to describe it is a hollow feeling in my gut, I often refer to it as being “sick.” My family described me as a “Nervous Child.” The first day of Little League I remember vividly. While putting on my uniform at home, I was trembling, heart pounding, unable to even tie my own shoe. That day I vomited and cried numerous times. My mother knew I was nervous but her way of handling it was to make me “face my fears” and go to the game. Every year I got “sick” before the beginning of the school year. It would start in August with all the back-to school commercials. I would have horrible nightmares about not knowing where to go, not having clothes on, forgetting my locker combination. At times I would just cry, when asked what’s wrong I would say I didn’t know, I just felt sad. I did well in school, had many friends and enjoyed going. My childhood was good, I had a loving family but I remember the feeling of being blue!
My freshman year of college was the worst for being sick. I managed to stay in school; I went home that year for the summer and could hardly function. I cried and slept for close to two weeks. This feeling normally lasted only a day or two this was the first time that I couldn’t shake it. I kept trying to figure out the meaning of life, was it worth it? What am I doing here?! I knew something was wrong but too embarrassed to say anything. I figured I was in a bad slump. After about a month it finally passed.
As a young adult my nerves seemed to get worse. I started to get panic attacks, shortness of breath and overwhelming feelings of worry. I often was not happy, yet, I made a conscious effort not to let anybody know. I was always smiling and people enjoyed being around me. I was able to control it.
Now, when I get sick I am unable to hide it. I can’t concentrate, my hands shake, my heart pounds, I get that hollow stomach, and I get very irritable. I worry about the stupidest things, it’s a feeling of something being very wrong but you can’t but your finger on it (all the time in my head I know nothing is wrong.) I tell myself nothing is wrong but it is as if someone just died (a pit in my stomach.) The smallest thing can set me off, a car horn, loud sounds/music, someone giving me a dirty look, no milk in the fridge, toothpaste in the sink. I find it difficult to rationally deal with confrontation, I often get mean and nasty. I cannot focus on work. I just want to scream, throw/break something or cry. When I get anxiety, I replay the scenario in my head over and over. I just can’t seem to let it go.
I now have these anxiety attacks practically everyday, the majority of them are mild ones. Once a year I get pretty sick, in my head I tell myself there is nothing to be upset about and life is good but that pit in my stomach tells me differently. I usually go to bed and try to sleep it off. This lasts anywhere from one to three weeks. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this but knew I needed help so I went to the walk in medical center for a cold and explained my feelings to the Doctor and he prescribed Xanex for my anxiety which seem to work well. About a month ago, I felt I needed something everyday so was prescribed Buspirone which doesn’t seem to be helping much.
I lost my dog, Reggie, due to old age just about two months ago (he was 16.) I’m having a tough time getting over him. The first month was the most difficult with nightly dreams of him being lost and I can’t find him, also a recurring dream was that Reggie was just fine, a friend was hiding him from me as a joke.
This has been the longest span of time that I have been sick, other than in 1987.
I guess it is time to seek professional help?