How do people do it? How did I manage to do it for so many years? What I am talking about of course is pretending like something never happened… how do you ignore an elephant in the room?
For the last 10 year, I have repressed and ignored traumatic memories from my childhood. I was content enough to pretend and act as if nothing ever happened. I never questioned. I thought I was happy. I existed without really living.
Thinking back now, it is as if I shut myself inside a fantasy world in which nothing actually did happen. But all the time I was hiding from something… something that I wouldn't let myself feel. I dreamed away 10 years of my life in personal injustice.
Then all of a sudden, the memories came screaming back to me; haunting me. I can barely do a thing now without being affected by them. I feel immobilized and overwhelmed. I experience unimaginable anger and, regrettably, all-to-often misplace it. I am subject a whole new level of awkwardness when confronted with my past.
There are moments when I forget again, and things seem normal, but then sure enough I remember and feel rage once more…. It makes me wonder if it is better to just forget it. But in forgetting it, I know I am accepting defeat and allowing my soul to be punished. Could I even forget again?
I wonder if the person responsible for all this has forgotten or whether he feels the same tension. I wonder if he has ever considered bringing it up. I wonder if he was just as happy as I was a year ago to pretend as if nothing ever happened.
The sickeningly sad part of this is how many people keep things hidden or hide from things that have happened to them to protect themselves and the people around them from having to feel unwanted emotions. I believe everyone has a story of some sort. So at the end of the day… why do we have to feel like hiding? And how does everyone do it?