Okay, I know this will probably upset some that read it. I wont get into too much detail. It is a very long story and I don’t want this to come across as a hateful post. I have debated going to counseling to resolve these things in my life. I just don’t trust anyone.

Several years ago My husband and I split up. We lost our home in the big housing crisis in 2013. It was not our fault (long story) My husband *Jack lost his job because I was pregnant. I had complications and his job even though he had the legal coverage , fired him the day we had our youngest. Jack turned to alcohol.

It progressed. He is such a kind sweet man. But it turned into a mean, hateful person. For 2 years he was this way. Calling me names, putting me down, saying he wants a divorce. I did all i could to plead with him. He embarrassed me in front of his family.  The kids were scared of him. ( he wasn’t violent towards any of us. Just slamming doors, things, slurring, stumbling) After 2 years. I said no more.  Before I moved out, i connected with a British woman. I fell in love. It was the connection. We spent most of our days on skype, or the phone. I met her family via skype. They skyped with me during big events etc.

I was with her for 2 years. Its hard to maintain a long distance relationship. 2 years isn’t bad considering she was in another country. After 2 years, i started to pull away. Fear. I ruin everything for myself! So she pulled away too. Then out of pain she became hateful. Emotionally i fell apart. I have always been strong. Been in an abusive relationship. I have raised a kid on my own. But I hit my breaking point.

That is when all of this sadness and pain came into play. I love Liz* my heart just loves her so much. My family, most of them, talked . They labeled me and said hateful things. I was in love with a girl so i was shunned.  I love everyone. but i had never been with a girl. It didn’t matter. I was the happiest I have ever been. Until i lost her.

I moved out of my place after awhile. i spent most of my days helping my ex , he worked all the time. And this house was bigger then my place. So eventually i moved back in. Remarried now, to jack. He is clean and has been. With 2 set backs. ugh. Next set back I told him i couldn’t stay. I don’t want to hurt the kids.  I don’t have the strength. The kids are happy. I love Jack. But i am not in love with him. He knows. i am honest.

What i need to do is let Liz go. She moved in with a girl. Though they are split up now, and Liz wants me back. I don’t want to do all that again. I cant lose her again.

When i hear certain music its Liz. Why can’t i get over her???

Jack is so wonderful. He deserves someone to love him the way he does me.

I feel like such a pathetic human being that i cant reciprocate those feelings.

I am a mess.

Thank you for reading.