Okay, I know this will probably upset some that read it. I wont get into too much detail. It is a very long story and I don’t want this to come across as a hateful post. I have debated going to counseling to resolve these things in my life. I just don’t trust anyone.

Several years ago My husband and I split up. We lost our home in the big housing crisis in 2013. It was not our fault (long story) My husband *Jack lost his job because I was pregnant. I had complications and his job even though he had the legal coverage , fired him the day we had our youngest. Jack turned to alcohol.

It progressed. He is such a kind sweet man. But it turned into a mean, hateful person. For 2 years he was this way. Calling me names, putting me down, saying he wants a divorce. I did all i could to plead with him. He embarrassed me in front of his family.  The kids were scared of him. ( he wasn’t violent towards any of us. Just slamming doors, things, slurring, stumbling) After 2 years. I said no more.  Before I moved out, i connected with a British woman. I fell in love. It was the connection. We spent most of our days on skype, or the phone. I met her family via skype. They skyped with me during big events etc.

I was with her for 2 years. Its hard to maintain a long distance relationship. 2 years isn’t bad considering she was in another country. After 2 years, i started to pull away. Fear. I ruin everything for myself! So she pulled away too. Then out of pain she became hateful. Emotionally i fell apart. I have always been strong. Been in an abusive relationship. I have raised a kid on my own. But I hit my breaking point.

That is when all of this sadness and pain came into play. I love Liz* my heart just loves her so much. My family, most of them, talked . They labeled me and said hateful things. I was in love with a girl so i was shunned.  I love everyone. but i had never been with a girl. It didn’t matter. I was the happiest I have ever been. Until i lost her.

I moved out of my place after awhile. i spent most of my days helping my ex , he worked all the time. And this house was bigger then my place. So eventually i moved back in. Remarried now, to jack. He is clean and has been. With 2 set backs. ugh. Next set back I told him i couldn’t stay. I don’t want to hurt the kids.  I don’t have the strength. The kids are happy. I love Jack. But i am not in love with him. He knows. i am honest.

What i need to do is let Liz go. She moved in with a girl. Though they are split up now, and Liz wants me back. I don’t want to do all that again. I cant lose her again.

When i hear certain music its Liz. Why can’t i get over her???

Jack is so wonderful. He deserves someone to love him the way he does me.

I feel like such a pathetic human being that i cant reciprocate those feelings.

I am a mess.

Thank you for reading.

  1. delane 5 years ago

    kamee, my heart goes out to you. ***hugs***
    Some people affect us more deeply than others. Have you told *Liz about your feelings? Since you’ve remarried *Jack, is it more of a partnership and ‘for the kids’? i can definitely understand why you put your foot down about Jack’s drinking, too…. Everybody has a breaking point, and you have to keep your kids away from the abuse. He may not be hitting or physically abusive, but verbal/emotional abuse can be much worse….
    i feel like most people deserve a chance to experience real love, and not just a partnership or roommate. Please, take care of yourself.

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    • Author
      kamee 5 years ago

      Thank you. You are such a doll . a day at a time right? 🙂 Hugs

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  2. Mz_Unda_Std 4 years ago

    It is a hard thing to go through a break up. We all need to be loved, encouraged, validated, etc. We are humans and it’s part of what we need to survive. That being said I think with people like us who deal with emotional issues it’s a good idea to take time alone to sort ourselves out. Find out who we are and what we really want out of life. I’ve continued to make that mistake and wish I had taken the time to get myself together. I let the fear of being alone cloud my judgement. I would suggest you really take the time to do what’s best for you and your kids. Stay strong. It will come to you just try not to make a hasty decision. Big hugs

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