Lately, I find myself being very introspective towards my last relationship. We were together for two years. It only ended about a month ago. I did not want and do not want this to happen. I love my ex-boyfriend dearly. He is my very best friend in the whole world and there has never been a happiness that compared to the happiness of having him in my life. I would totally marry that man.
However, he was not as happy about having me in his life. He hasn’t been happy since the third or fourth month we were together. That’s when the anxiety attacks began to become very noticeable.
I’ve had mild panic attacks for as long as I can remember. These were very different. They would start with a small emotional discomfort. Doug would say or do something I wouldn’t like but I wouldn’t speak up. Eventually, the emotion I was feeling would compound itself. I’d feel lightheaded and claustrophobic, even in open areas. Then I’d explode in a horrible emotional outburst.
We used to think that this was my love type as the vacillator. For a year I sought to remedy or break the pattern suggested by our counselor. We could never seem to fall out of the pattern, though. We could never get off the emotional roller coaster.
We were fighting the wrong battle the entire time.
It wasn’t until Feb 4 that we realized I had diagnosable anxiety. How did we find out? I went to the doctor for chest pain. She said, “those are anxiety attacks.”
Two weeks later Doug broke up with me.
He never even gave me a chance to fight the real battle. He wouldn’t wait for me to join a support group or start CBT coupled with counseling.
I think it’s because he knew I would get better.
You see, what I have come to realize is bad relationships are comfortable for Doug.
He gets to be a hero by being with this mess of a woman so he doesn’t have to face his fear of being alone. He also has the perfect excuse not to commit fully to her. So he can avoid facing his fear of commitment.
If I got better, which he knows I will, he would have to start working on himself as well. He would have to face his own fears and begin to tear down his walls. He does not want to do this. He wants to continue to live in pretend land.
In pretend land, he never has to go through anything difficult or work hard to attain a goal.
In pretend land, if something comes along that he doesn’t like, he simply boots it out of his life.
In pretend land he has comfortable, surface level relationships.
In pretend, land nothing can hurt him.
Maybe one day he will step into reality. Maybe one day he will be ready to face his fears and grow.
Should I try to wait for that day?
Maybe it’s time for me to move on.