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This last year has been the hardest to get through. I’ve been unemployed for almost 2 years after working a solid 30 years. Yay corporations! I had major surgery last year over the holidays and had my stepdad die in December. He was helping me out till I was recovered. Unfortunately, I was forced to take a physical labor job for crap wages before I could fully recover. Skimping on food for myself I became anemic. Talking to my brother for help and basically just wanting to sell big items we weren’t going to keep became interpreted as I wanted to be paid for my half and he no longer talks to me or cares about me. Thinks I’m selfish. I wasn’t the one that wanted everything and thought of everyone else but his real family. I’ve come to terms with the fact my brother is a spoiled brat that doesn’t know what selfishness really is. He’s turned his back on me. My stepdad was the only one that ever helped me when I asked for help. He also was very abusive mentally and physically back in the day, so I’m sure the help was out of guilt, but still he didn’t even hesitate. My BF and Land Lady helped me through the surgery and with groceries. My landlady hasn’t charged me rent in 6 months. It’s just funny where you find true family at in the worst moments of your life. It definitely wasn’t anyone related to my by blood. All those great friends I “had”, which I asked for help, every single one let me down. They blew me off. Nothing makes you feel better over the holidays like eating your last tv dinner on Thanksgiving while everyone of your friends and family are having 1 or more great meals with family. Not one person asked if I wanted a plate because I was home alone and laid up from surgery. One person wished me happy birthday on my birthday. Christmas rolled around and again, not one person said anything. Not one present, not one card, no get well anything, and not one condolence card for his death. Sitting in isolation feeling as down as ever while people, my friends,  drove past my house everyday was pretty revealing. Knowing your place in everyone’s eyes can be hurtful and quite eye opening. I get people have to live their lives, but virtually everyone blew me off. Everyone except my old tweaker buddy. It’s amazing that he always seems to show up when my old cravings are happening. Noone else showed up. I’ve been clean for over 10 years. Went cold turkey on a meth addiction that would have killed me soon. I found one person that liked me for me back then. The power of one true friend can make a big impact. The struggle has been hard. Some days more than others. Some random chemical odors spark that familiar burn and memory. Movies with drug use are hard. But having old drug buddies showing up when you are at your lowest is the worst! It’s right there. Their lip is twitching, their eyes are as glassy as can be, and they only ever show up like that when they want to take advantage of your money. Showing up from time to time to see if you fell back into their drug use world reminds me of buzzards waiting for an animal on the verge of death. I’ve never felt the demons chew at me on the inside so badly. It’s like besides my BF and land lady, noone but tweakers take the time to visit,  Or someone that wants something from me. The rush inside of knowing  how close it is… What it can do for me for the moment…. The fire inside…. But always it will lead to the same road…. My destruction. A little is never enough. The Happy high doesn’t last. Mostly, it doesn’t make me stronger. It makes me weak. I must be strong. I can do this. I’ve got things to do and a ton of people to prove wrong. My demons can learn to enjoy celery!

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