My Journey was one of self improvement, one of faith, and an enlightened mind. I was seeking a career in healthcare so that I could give back to others the caring that I had received over the long course of the years.
I am a long term survivor, this August will be 23 years. I have had more down's than up's but I am not looking for any pity or sympathy. I prefer to be lost in a crowd with no one to recognize me. I have spent many years trying tobe a valuable member in society and I have failed.
I find myself alone now trying to make sense of it all. I watch my friends hook up and move on and I am still here….counting the days.
I should be happy though….shouldn't I ? It has taken me the last 9 years of trying new drugs, being a guinea pig on 2 occasions with trial drugs to build my CD4 count from zero to 230. This changed my status from full blown AIDS to Hiv+ again. That's a good thing…..right ?
It has further allowed me to be vaccinated to protect me from further diseases like Hep A & B which, in turn would allow me to have a career in healthcare. I should be happy but I'm not, in spite of this, there is an empty space in my heart and right now, I am reminded of this void in my life.
You need to understand that I have these feelings and they are not a cry for help. I am just using this blog to share with any and all who will listen making you a sounding board so to speak. I am sharing my story with anyone who has gone down this same road and who may understand what I am feeling.
I remain alone because I have lost the capacity to make friends. When I was first diagnosed and I thought my life would end in a few short years, I pushed away all friends because I didn't want anyone to know me. I was ashamed and I was afraid of people and being judged and because of this disease, I didn't want to trust people anymore. Now I realize that I have truely lost the capacity to have any friends….just acquaintances and not from want of trying either.
As well, the way quite a few people have treated me over the years has made me cynical which probably hasn't helped.
I have had to fight many battles with the ignorant masses to not only improve my life but those that will come after me. I never asked for this burden, none of us did…it has just been thrust upon us.
I remember once reading somewhere that "If the Lord brings you to it, he will bring you through it" and "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle". I now hope that he is witnessing that my shoulders are sore, my burdens are heavy and I am getting tired.
I have learned to be self sufficent only because I don't have anyone but me to fall back on in this world. I feel that I am destined to be alone and I am trying to ease this pain most of all.
I find that I miss the feeling of being in love most of all…