My Journey was one of self improvement, one of faith, and an enlightened mind. I was seeking a career in healthcare so that I could give back to others the caring that I had received over the long course of the years.

I am a long term survivor, this August will be 23 years. I have had more down's than up's but I am not looking for any pity or sympathy. I prefer to be lost in a crowd with no one to recognize me. I have spent many years trying tobe a valuable member in society and I have failed.

I find myself alone now trying to make sense of it all. I watch my friends hook up and move on and I am still here….counting the days.

I should be happy though….shouldn't I ? It has taken me the last 9 years of trying new drugs, being a guinea pig on 2 occasions with trial drugs to build my CD4 count from zero to 230. This changed my status from full blown AIDS to Hiv+ again. That's a good thing…..right ?

It has further allowed me to be vaccinated to protect me from further diseases like Hep A & B which, in turn would allow me to have a career in healthcare. I should be happy but I'm not, in spite of this, there is an empty space in my heart and right now, I am reminded of this void in my life.

You need to understand that I have these feelings and they are not a cry for help.  I am just using this blog to share with any and all who will listen making you a sounding board so to speak.  I am sharing my story with anyone who has gone down this same road and who may understand what I am feeling.

I remain alone because I have lost the capacity to make friends. When I was first diagnosed and I thought my life would end in a few short years, I pushed away all friends because I didn't want anyone to know me. I was ashamed and I was afraid of people and being judged and because of this disease, I didn't want to trust people anymore. Now I realize that I have truely lost the capacity to have any friends….just acquaintances and not from want of trying either.

As well, the way quite a few people have treated me over the years has made me cynical which probably hasn't helped.

I have had to fight many battles with the ignorant masses to not only improve my life but those that will come after me. I never asked for this burden, none of us did…it has just been thrust upon us.

I remember once reading somewhere that "If the Lord brings you to it, he will bring you through it" and "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle".  I now hope that he is witnessing that my shoulders are sore, my burdens are heavy and I am getting tired.

I have learned to be self sufficent only because I don't have anyone but me to fall back on in this world. I feel that I am destined to be alone and I am trying to ease this pain most of all.

I find that I miss the feeling of being in love most of all…

 

4 Comments
  1. bash858 11 years ago

    hey viking. just wanna to let you know that you are on my prayers for a better day. i cant say i know how you feel but there has to be a brighter day after a darker night. hang in there buddy….

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  2. MarcAnthony 11 years ago

    I am currently in that phase of self improvement. Sure, I get discouraged every now and then but I mostly try to push those feelings aside and enjoy, appricate what's around me….trying to live in the moment. I completely understand how you feel – not trusting, losing the capacity to have any friends. Personally, all of my friends have moved on or I've pushed some of them away…BUT that has opened my eyes.

    This time I've been alone, has made me see who I am and what I need to do to change. I've had to look inside myself…to be content. Now, I'm slowly on the path to be happy with myself. If I sound prechy, I apologize. It's just that I do understand how you feel and I wanted to share my feelings.

    Hang in there. Keep blogging….I firmly believe blogging lifts such a heavy weight one carries and it can also help you to know, you're not the only one who feels the way you do!

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  3. christiner 10 years ago

    I FEELL YA MAN. I DONT SEE YOU CRYING FOR HELPOR PITY, JUST SOME ONE WHO CAN IDENTIFY? RIGHT?  RIGHT OR NOT, I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.I ALSO KNOW I NEED TOBE OK WITH BEING ALONE AND BE HAPPILY USEFULLY WHOLE W/OUT A MAN ATTACHED TO MY HIP. IM WORKING ON THAT. I JUST STARTED DATING AND AM TRYING A BUNCH OF NEW WAYS TO LOOK AT THINGS. I STAY POSITIVE WETHER IM ALONE OR NOT TODAY. WASNT ALWAYS LIKE THAT. MY TCELL COUNT GOT TO 300 ONCE AND I STARTED CRAWLING OUT OF MY PITY POT AND GOT COMPLIANT AND I TOO FELT LIKE THE DEAT SENTANCE WAS DELVED OUT TO ME AND only me LOLI DO WANT TO REACH OUT MORE TO PPL IN HIV TRIBE, "MY LITTER MATES"  REALLY LIKE WHAT YOU SHARED, REAL HONEST.PS DESCRBE FOR ME WHAT "BEING IN LOVE" FEELS LIKE FOR YOU. I DONT THINK I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

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  4. viking 10 years ago

    Being in love,…it's been so long for me.  When I commit to someone, it is a combination of mind, body, and soul all intertwined.  Not only do I let someone in to my world, I take a special interest in them and share my secrets.  When I am with my love, my heart leaps for joy and when I am away….I miss them like the flower misses the sun.  When love is taken from me too soon…my chest hurts like a myocardio infarct when in fact it is my heart breaking.

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