*mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts (im okay)

I just started school again and my mental health is plummeting again. Now, however, I feel like I have no one to lean on even when they watch me cry.

It’s been hard lately to focus on anything or find anything that brings me joy for more than a few seconds. My parents wanted the best out of me for all my life, to the point of punishment if I didn’t deliver. So I can’t bring myself to do anything less than perfect, not matter how hard mentally I try. For while now, though, I feel like nothing I do is perfect. If everything I do isn’t perfect then there’s no point into doing anything at all. I realize I was like this over the summer, but school made it more prevalent.

All my relationships are falling apart. I broke up with my ex a month ago. While we both lost feelings for each other, when he told me we rarely talked anymore, it made me realize how distant I am with even my closet friends. They all talked regularly outside of school, while I just didn’t. Then over the summer, I didn’t talk to some till school started again. I realize how terrible I am at sympathy and how terrible I am at comforting my friends, and that’s why they probably don’t talk to me. At times, I think they hate me behind my back. I feel like I don’t have enough of anything for them to care about me.

I’ve been in so much mental hell lately that self harm is all I think about most days. If it weren’t for my fear of blood that makes it near impossible for me to move than I probably would be doing it. What makes it worse is the voice in the back of my head telling me “You’re not suffering enough to be like this.” Your parents love you, you don’t have any trauma, you never grieved before. Everyone else you know does, and yet they are intact, so why can’t you just be happy? It’s hard to talk about these issues when my brain tells me they’re not issues, they’re excuses for laziness, anti-socialness, and attention.

Today has been on of the worst days recently. Nothing happened. Everything was normal. But I felt so close to ending it all.

My friend noticed this. He asked his usual what’s wrong and I answered my usual just tired. This time, though, he continued asking. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I cried. I sobbed in front of him, told him how much I wanted to take my life for unjust reasons. He’s such a good friend; he hugged me while I cried, pulled me aside so I wouldn’t embarrass myself, told me that it’s okay. The entire time I was just thinking about how much I don’t deserve him. I was never there for him when he was crying about his abusive parents, his assault, his toxic relationships; real issues as my brain told me. Yet he was here for me for seemingly nothing.

After I was done and we went to our next classes, I couldn’t get “You’re an awful friend out of my head.” I was physically able to get through the rest of the day, but now im home and going through it again. Not enough of a stable human being to be with anyone, or do anything.

I got this site from a crisis line a bit ago. After today, I just needed a place to vent. I doubt anyone read this far, but if someone did, thank you for listening. Im okay now, I’m still here.