My first blog EVER!! big step already…..dont know what to say or write just how I am feeling right now and that is   ????  so much…too much I feel stuck in life, I feel that this disease has ruled and continuse o rule my life. is this because I am leting it? I dont feel as though I am but themn again????

When diagnosed in 95 I was told you have 5 years to live….I have kept that in my end whether it be first or subconciouslt at times. I know it has influenced the decisions I have made ..some fer better and some not. I know I have w/drawn from life and lived for my daughter and her only. Now she is in college and its like I am diagnosed all over again. Hopeless, lonely, depressed u name it Im feelin it. I try and make myself feel and look good…which would attract a mate but ahhh now disclosure …eventually it will come and has in past many times. Although I havent ever been treated "wrong" for being poz but I know it has changed the perception of others of me so I find myself not to try and attract a man, not to be too socialable and try not to flirt because well of course I had to be very permiscuos to get poz..blah blah. So here I am trying to start over and just am lost. still feel all that and this site is seeming to help but what about all of u in the real world. I guess my biggest thing is being lonely or alone….of course everybody is gonna go thru some just seems like I am so OVER bein alone.

Being Pozitive (in all ways) is very difficult in such a negative world.

I never said I didn\'t have any issues……lol