This asks for my mood….happy, frustrated, lonely, tired, confused. Although the last one was not in the list. Im not sure what my mood is. Put all these moods in a blender and turn it on high for 30 seconds. That, my friend makes one hell of a daquori. I have talked to some really wonderful peolpe both in here and in another poz site over time. I have met some really nice guys that life in my area that are not in a poz site.
Outwardly to the everyday person I pass on the street, I dont appear to be rich but I am living the american dream. I have a job that I like, own my home, have a car, ect ect ect. In the gay world the running joke is "he has a job and a car..he is a keeper". Well, that is, until I tell someone I also have HIV. At that point I live on a deserted island in the middle of the most vast ocean one can imagine. Suddenly all the vast ways to communicate in modern science ceases to exist and the person who showed "undying interest" because I was 'just what they were looking for" and "Id like to see you much more often" ceases all contact once I disclose my status to him. At least I was honest. I let this person ,that says they have never had anyone treat them so well, know up front about me so they dont have a surprise later on and think I was being dishonest thru non-disclosure.
Its hard being a romantic and being played along and getting hurt. It even harder when that total romantic man is HIV+ and made to feel like an outcast once the strings of his heart have been strummed on. I think the hardest of them all is when this happens from someone of our community. Someone else who is also living life with HIV and all the heartsches of it.
In this world of hate and violence. A world where people kill because someone else has a different skin color or religion or coveted sneakers, one would think someone would be happy to find a person that offers unconditional love. Is the concept that someone accepts your faults but still offers love unconditionally so strange that no one out there knows how to accept it? Or wants to?
I can still be happy even if I am frustrated, lonely, tired and confused. I have my health. And I have the hope the belief and the dream, that somewhere out there in the universe there IS that one person who does….