I’m sure many people in the LGBT community either know of or have experienced that moment when you look in the mirror and don’t recognize who you are. I feel like that more than I’d like to because I am genderfluid. I look in the mirror asking myself what I’m feeling each day and most days it results in that shrug.

For many I know this causes a lot of dysphoria and grief for many. But I have attempted a different approach to it that really helps me out every day. I mix things up until my ‘gendered’ mess seems me that day. So I could be wearing my binder and a dress or a snapback, tie, and lipstick. Regardless of that, it’s what makes me happy.

I don’t know a lot of people who are genderfluid so I find it hard to really talk to people about it- don’t get me wrong, my nonbinary partner is incredible and helps me so much. Sometimes I just wish I had more people in the LGBT community to talk to.

I am not super social and I try very very hard to overcome my introverted side. I get shy, I get scared, I get that stage fright feeling but with people I have been friends with for a long period of time. I bottle things up- less than what I used to. But I still find it hard sometimes to just sit and talk.

I don’t like talking about myself or my problems because I don’t want to sound overbearing or annoying. I know other people could have hard lives as well. It’s also a test for myself. Yes I am a closeted LGBT member with a chronic pain disease that is trying to make it through college by themselves, but ya know what I still get out of bed in the morning. Some of you may ask but why? What for?

Well. Several reasons.

I want to make it further than anyone expected me to.

I want to see other people smile and I want to be out there sharing my own smile.

I’m shooting for my goals because no one else can do it for me.

I want the people who matter most in my life to be proud of me.

I want to be the person my younger self needed in their life.

So I may not know how I am feeling when I ask myself in the mirror. But I can take that question with a smile and maybe a touch of lipstick as I walk out the door to work through another day.