I've noticed lately that a lot of my emotions are being challenged, which is a good thing but a very difficult thing to deal with. I am someone who can speak about emotions freely, but lately I'm finding myself when people ask whats wrong or whats going on I say "I don't know". I tend to say that when I just filled up with mixed emotions and it's nearing towards anger.
I'm noticing that my need to have this perfect image is taking a strain on some of social interactions. I notice myself getting angry and impatient when I feel someone has misunderstood, mis-assessed, or misjudged something I have said. If I state a simple opinion and someone takes it another level and assume I mean something else by it I get really angry and defensive. I'm quick to "did I say that" or "what part of what I said gave you an inclination I thought that". The reason I react this way is because I'm honestly terrified of someone thinking badly of me. With strangers, I don't even care, but with friends this is where it becomes a problem. It's really frustrating to me and it's been happening a lot with a few people. It just makes me feel very small and stupid. I can't even explain it really. I hate being corrected too. I know this is making me sound egotistical but I'm not far from it. As I've said before in my posts I feel like I'm on this never ending quest to prove I am worthy. Everything I say is somewhat thought out …played out in my head to make sure it's suitable, and when I get corrected it sends me for a loop (this is depends on the person). It makes me feel helpless and cornered….
Let me go off on something really quick to help describe this…in the book Fearless Living you to choose 2 words that are you fear based words… how you react in fear and you fill this word in the blanks provided in these statements
"If someone I love, respect, or admire thought I were ________, I would be devastated"
My word for that blank is ordinary. Ordinary people have disagreements, ordinary people have conflicting opinions, I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be SPECTACULAR AMAZING INCREDIBLE! So getting any response that doesn't make feel as if I accomplished something extraordinary devestates me.
The other statement goes like this…
"If the people I care about really thought I was ordinary. I would feel as I were ________."
My word for that blank is insignificant. If I can't be extraordinary then I don't matter. It can even go beyond insignificant to worthless and unlovable. Every time something like these small instances happen it triggers these feelings. Thats why I react the way I do. I get angry, flustered, and feel utterly helpless.
Hmm, I stopped typing for a few minutes and it's amazing how this blogging is working for me. I feel a bit better now. It's such a good release to get this out. I use to just hold it all in or I couldn't find ways to express myself well enough where I'd get any relief. I feel like the more I write the more I am recognizing these specific challenges I have. Soon, I hope I will able to come up with some starting points and a foundation to build on to help challenge these perceptions I have. I wish this could all go away, and I could go back to enjoying my life carefree, but this will make me stronger, and I hope one day I when I am on a better path I can inspire and encourage others to find their own inner peace. I have a gut feeling and strong passion to do something like that in my future.
I acknowledge myself for allowing myself a minute to breathe and re-focus.
I am grateful for this opportunity I have to journal.