Leon was feeling so detached from reality and extremely psychotic. His reality tested was totally out of touch. Leon was so preoccupied with my anxious thoughts that he had no time to face reality. He had no clue as to why he was feeling so overly and extremely nervous. His anger was so repressed and buried; he wasn’t allowed to notice that he even felt angry. He felt the universe was ignoring him. His inner critical voice was telling him “I’m worthless, powerless, disgusting, valueless, and purposeless”. He had zero resources; financially he was totally dependent on his father and had no income of his own. He had no skills to work in any industry or profession what so ever. Feeling totally trapped to his parents, like a little boy that needs to accept everything his parents say.
As a child Leon remembers his father acting very infantile and silly in order to get his wife’s Leon’s Moms attention. Dad would mom funny names in order for him to feel noticed. Dad would listen to his wife perform as a kindergarten teacher and memorize the songs she sang and then imitate her. It made Leon feel awful to see his father acting like a two year old. This was Dad’s defense mechanism for his own feelings of inferiority.As a young child Leon remembers this bothering me immensely. A deep feeling of abandonment seeped into him making him feel helpless. He would just feel this deep urge and desire of wanting to help his dad and mom’s marital disputes and help Dad become more mature, but he couldn’t do anything about it. There was no lead in the home and no model to emulate. There were times that Dad would act the pretend as if he is the greatest and wisest man and only he is able to give advice. He would become grandiose and began idealizing himself.