If only I’d never went out that night
If only I’d never asked you to come over
If only you weren’t in such a hurry to get here
If only I’d reached out to someone else for help
If only I would’ve just let myself be alone that night
I can go over the “if only’s” in my head for days and the truth of the matter is that it was my fault.
It was September 27th 2016, my friends had convinced me to go to a party, I wore a black strapless dress cut down to there, I might as well have been asking for it. We walked into the house, music so loud you could feel the bass in your stomach, the smell of beer filled my nose, there were people in every inch of the house, everyone of them with their own story, and then I saw him, little did I know he would be the instrument of my death. Half an hour had gone by and he’d finally worked up the nerve to talk to me. He smelled like bourbon, cheap cologne, and cigarettes, he wore a red hoodie, black pants with a chain on one of the belt loops, and checkered red vans, his black hair slicked back and gauges in his ears. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice, deep and soft with a hint of raspy from smoking. We talked for hours and I hadn’t even noticed that my friends had left me with him, he had me all to himself, and that was the moment I should’ve walked away but I didn’t I was enchanted by his charisma and his stories which were probably all fake, nevertheless, he had me in a trance and once he knew that was the moment that it all started to turn. I still can’t figure out why I went out back with him but I’ll always regret it because as soon as I did it was too late. He had me pinned against the wall I couldn’t fight even if i had the energy, I tried to scream but no sound came out because his mouth was blocking it, I couldn’t kick because the weight of his body was on my thighs. All I could do was stand there, with every thrust of his body a piece of me broke away and I would’ve survived if it wasn’t for what happened next.
I stumbled into the house and told my friends to get me out of there, I was in shock the entire drive home, just going over every second, ever word, every single thing I ever said or did. I stumbled into my house and I laid in my bed all night, not sleeping, not thinking, just breathing or trying to. The next morning I could see the bruises from where he held me down and I could feel the overwhelming defeat and all I could think to do was call you, and I said it out loud for the first time, I told you I had been raped, the words felt like needles in my throat but I knew that somehow you would make it all better or make it a little better. We talked on the phone for an hour and thirteen minutes and during that time I felt safe, you made me feel safe and you told me drive over to see me. I waited for you and I waited and then I saw them, the police lights and my heart dropped and everything froze. I walked downstairs to see my dad talking to two policemen and he turned and saw me and I knew from the look on his face what had happened.
They tell you “he went quickly” or “he didn’t feel any pain” and that’s what they’re told to do but nothing fixes the heartache of losing someone you love. There’s a hole in my heart that you used to fill and it’s only grown in the years since you died. Nothing can fill it, that spot is meant for you nothing else fits there. I can’t help but think of the millions of things I could’ve done different and they all would’ve prevented everything. People tell me not to blame myself but who else is there to blame if it was my fault? The only reason you were even on that road was because of me. The only reason you weren’t paying attention was because I had texted you. The only reason no one knew you were on that road was because I told you not to tell anyone. It all leads back to me, and all the “if only’s” in the world won’t change that.
Jackson King 1998-2016
I miss you and if i could trade my life for yours I would.