If only I’d never went out that night

If only I’d never asked you to come over

If only you weren’t in such a hurry to get here

If only I’d reached out to someone else for help

If only I would’ve just let myself be alone that night

I can go over the “if only’s” in my head for days and the truth of the matter is that it was my fault.

It was September 27th 2016, my friends had convinced me to go to a party, I wore a black strapless dress cut down to there, I might as well have been asking for it. We walked into the house, music so loud you could feel the bass in your stomach, the smell of beer filled my nose, there were people in every inch of the house, everyone of them with their own story, and then I saw him, little did I know he would be the instrument of my death. Half an hour had gone by and he’d finally worked up the nerve to talk to me. He smelled like bourbon, cheap cologne, and cigarettes, he wore a red hoodie, black pants with a chain on one of the belt loops, and checkered red vans, his black hair slicked back and gauges in his ears. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice, deep and soft with a hint of raspy from smoking. We talked for hours and I hadn’t even noticed that my friends had left me with him, he had me all to himself, and that was the moment I should’ve walked away but I didn’t I was enchanted by his charisma and his stories which were probably all fake, nevertheless, he had me in a trance and once he knew that was the moment that it all started to turn. I still can’t figure out why I went out back with him but I’ll always regret it because as soon as I did it was too late. He had me pinned against the wall I couldn’t fight even if i had the energy, I tried to scream but no sound came out because his mouth was blocking it, I couldn’t kick because the weight of his body was on my thighs. All I could do was stand there, with every thrust of his body a piece of me broke away and I would’ve survived if it wasn’t for what happened next.

I stumbled into the house and told my friends to get me out of there, I was in shock the entire drive home, just going over every second, ever word, every single thing I ever said or did. I stumbled into my house and I laid in my bed all night, not sleeping, not thinking, just breathing or trying to. The next morning I could see the bruises from where he held me down and I could feel the overwhelming defeat and all I could think to do was call you, and I said it out loud for the first time, I told you I had been raped, the words felt like needles in my throat but I knew that somehow you would make it all better or make it a little better. We talked on the phone for an hour and thirteen minutes and during that time I felt safe, you made me feel safe and you told me drive over to see me. I waited for you and I waited and then I saw them, the police lights and my  heart dropped and everything froze. I walked downstairs to see my dad talking to two policemen and he turned and saw me and I knew from the look on his face what had happened.

They tell you “he went quickly” or “he didn’t feel any pain” and that’s what they’re told to do but nothing fixes the heartache of losing someone you love. There’s a hole in my heart that you used to fill and it’s only grown in the years since you died. Nothing can fill it, that spot is meant for you nothing else fits there. I can’t help but think of the millions of things I could’ve done different and they all would’ve prevented everything. People tell me not to blame myself but who else is there to blame if it was my fault? The only reason you were even on that road was because of me. The only reason you weren’t paying attention was because I had texted you. The only reason no one knew you were on that road was because I told you not to tell anyone. It all leads back to me, and all the “if only’s” in the world won’t change that.

Jackson King 1998-2016

I miss you and if i could trade my life for yours I would.

 

4 Comments
  1. Author
    repressedrainbow 12 months ago

    Sorry for the typos I didn’t see them through my tears

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  2. lizzie1j 12 months ago

    What happened to you was terrible and it’s tragic that your friend passed away.
    If only you can forgive yourself for not knowing .

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  3. delane1 12 months ago

    repressedrainbow, ***Hugs***
    YOU did NOT cause it.
    So often, we want to fix the wrongs and take our loved ones’ pains away…. But, that’s now how it is: reality. *sigh Love is like a double-edged sword. No matter who it is–when you truly feel the love and heartache for another–it feels unmanageable, like it’ll never end. YOU did not ask to be raped. YOU did not cause it–no matter how you were dressed! FTS–sorry. i hate the fact that society tries to sway us to
    believe we’re somehow at fault, for others’ behaviors, when they choose to sexually abuse another. That’s BS!!!!!! i’ve spent toooooo long trying to process and understand what i did wrong–why did i have to do something wrong, in order to make his actions ‘right’????? Again, BS. Yes, it is what it is, and we can’t change the past, but at the same time, we have to be the ones who pick up our pieces and try to carry on. i know it’s still fresh–only a few short years, if that. But i’m pretty sure–especially if your friend felt similarly to how you felt–your friend would want you to heal and find some enjoyment in your life. They will always be a part of you—your heart. Trying to figure out what to do with the pain and other feelings, is the challenging part. My heart truly goes out to you–i can feel your emotions. Just don’t feel like you have to suffer in silence or alone, any longer. There is HOPE. (feel free to msg me, anytime)

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    • Author
      repressedrainbow 12 months ago

      How can I possibly go out and be happy when he never got the chance, he didn’t even get to live yet he was going to Harvard, he had a girlfriend, he hadn’t gotten to live and I’m part of the reason he didn’t. How am I supposed to go out and live when I took away his chance to do the same?

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