why cant anyone see how much i have changed? i know i used to do selfish and fucked up things. i was trying to make myself feel better and all i ever did was hurt myself and everyone around me. i've stopped sleeping around- pretty amazing for me cuz i was a pretty big slut and then started stripping and then eventually i started "escorting" (which is a nicer sounding term for hooker). no one believes me, though. i get accused of sleeping with everyone still. i hear the jokes and little comments people make out of the side of their necks about me sucking dick or some shit like that and i try to pretend like they dont bother me, but every time someone says something it kills me a little more inside. it's fucked up- now that i'm trying to be a better person and change the things about myself that i don't like, everyone treats me like shit. when i was doing fucked up shit, everyone had my back and people were there for me and acted like friends. now it seems like everyone has turned on me. the whole world is against me now. it's so hard not to cut. it's been over a month since i last did it, but the urge is so strong…. i keep catching myself rubbing the scars on my wrists, like it's going to magicaly open my veins and let what little life is left in me spill out into the world. im so close to a breaking point, and i fear that i may not come back from this one. i can feel myself cracking more and more with each accusation or insult or "joke" that gets thrown at me. i just want for the only person i give a damn about, the only person i feel CONNECTED to, to believe me, but everyone we know is poisoning him against me. i dont know why this is happening. and i dont blame him- shit given my past and all of the bullshit everyone says to him why should he believe me? but i AM telling the truth. i have changed. i have stopped. so why is all of this happening now?


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