it's been such a hard week physically and mentally. we still haven't found Jasper and it's getting to me.

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I'm not sure if anyone on here has ever had to deal with sleep paralysis, but i have for a long time now. and usually when it happens, i can't move my body and feel like i can't breathe and idk if it's just me but i also feel like something or one is there, but not in a good way.

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well it happened again this morning, like 5am but the presence i talked about changed, it still wasn't good but this time it felt like when jasper wouls be curled up by my foot purring. and it scaredthe shit out of me because of course when I looked nothing was there.

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I really hate sleep paralysis it makes me paranoid.

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anyway, I ended up drinking alot of water fast because it was so hot out (me and my brother went for another round to look for her) but i panicked and went to purge it- which I did but I passed out for a moment.

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I haven't passed out in a while, usually i can do my routine and make it back to bed. i'm just glad my brother didn't hear me pass out.

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i feel greedy, because we stopped by the store so my brother could get something to eat, but there was this homeless man outside and it's so hot- we gave me six dollars, it was all we had left but i felt like we should've done more.

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the man was so kind. and i usuallu don't get worked up so much about this, i'm more an animal activist. but I guess it's because i know what it feels like to go looking for any change at all just to get something small for that moment not knowning what will happen the next.

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and so, when i drank all that water like that, i felt so much guilt i had to get it out. have been eating at all. how can I eat when Jasper might be starving? when others are? i'm the last person who deserves anything but death.

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i feel so guilty just by living. and it's getting harder and harder to even wake up anymore. I can't do this.

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i'm sorry, i'll shut up now…