Another day at school. Another 2 new classes for the unit. Another 2 assessments that I have do do. I have one more new class to take on monday, and that will bring the total of assignments to a healthy number of 7. There is so much work to be done. I’m really going to struggle. The first class of today I was looking forward to. It’s about developing teams and teamwork. I was very dissapointed to go into the class and have a very nasty sort of teacher. Very to the point. We had to start the massive assesment today! The first day we have class of this subject and she has us working on the assignment when she hasn’t taught us anything! how the heck does that work. For the whole thing we’re not working in teams either. That was something I was looking forward. I left that class feeling totally overwhelmed. I have no idea how i’m going to do this stupid thing. Honestly.
I did have a great afternoon class though. The teacher is AMAZING! I love him. We have a small class of 5, which is a nice size. This one, being the opposite of the prevoius one, I was not looking forward to.It’s about Industrial Relations. A subject I was not looking forward to. After today though, I have discovered it’s a VERY interesting area of HR, and I’m even concidering in taking that up as a major. I guess I’ll just wait and see.
There as a moment in class where my heart skipped. I’m 99% sure that one of the guys in my class seen my scar on my wrist. I caught him looking at it. I’m usually so careful with making sure my scar is hidden, or my arm is out of view. I caught eye contact with him, then he quickly looked away. I wonder what he was thinking. I’m worried about that now too.
So I had a bit of a topsy turvy day. Mostly filled of self doubt, and that has not moved. It’s still playing on my mind so much. I’m SO overwhelmed with all this work. I havn’t done this sort of work since.. well.. NEVER acutally. Not even in school did I have this sort of work. I hope I don’t fail though. I really don’t. I don’t know what I’ll do if I do. I guess I’ll just live up to my own mantra of being a big fat looser. Negative as always.
I didn’t get a chance to get my meds yet today. I’ll have to go another day without my Anti-depressants. I’m a fool, I know.
I find it interesting that my moods are switching so quickly. Its so rapid, I almost can’t keep up with it. One minute i’m feeling positive, the next suicidal again. I wish I could make sence of it. That, unfortunatly is impossible.
When I had a shower this morning, I was so emotional. It just hit me like a bullet being shot directly into my heart. The next thing I knew I was crying on the floor of the shower. I sat there and let the hot water run over me. I couldn’t even bring myself to stand up. I just sat there for half an hour. What a waste of water. I’m so horrible. So much for water conservation. My head was just going over so many things. Things that I havn’t thought about for a while. It’s so overwhelming. The hurt is killing me,from the inside out. I have to be strong and not let it show. I have to look like the strong one. The positive one. I don’t want anyone looking at me, staring.. making assumptions. Its not fair.
I’m listening to a song I havn’t listened to in a while. A positive song. A song that says things will get better. I have an issue with these "motivational" songs. I find them often so generic, and they don’t "speak" to me. Most don’t. This is one of the few exeptions. The words are so beautiful, and the song so wonderfully sung. The song is "Learn To Fly" By Shannon Noll. Another amazing Aussie artist. Runner up on Australian Idol.
~Learn To Fly~ Shannon Noll
When you feel the dream is over,
Feel the world is on your shoulders,
and you’ve lost the strength to carry on.
Even though the walls may crumble,
And you find you always stumble through,
Remember never to surrender to the dark.
Cos if you turn another page,
You will see that’s not the way, The story has to end.
If you need to find a way back,
Feel you’re on the wrong track,
Give it time, Learn to fly,
Tomorrow is a new day,
You will find you’re own way,
You’ll be stronger with each day that you cry,
Then you’ll learn to fly.
In you’re head so many questions,
The truth is your possession,
The answer lies within your heart.
You will see the doors are open,
If you only dare to hope and you,
Will find the way to fight the fears that kept you down.
Cos if you turn another page,
You will see that’s not the way,
The story has to end.
Looking at your situation,
There’s so much that you can do,
Now’s the time to make your stand.
This is just an observation,
In the end it’s up to you,
The future’s in your hands.