it's been such a hard week physically and mentally. we still haven't found Jasper and it's getting to me.

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I'm not sure if anyone on here has ever had to deal with sleep paralysis, but i have for a long time now. and usually when it happens, i can't move my body and feel like i can't breathe and idk if it's just me but i also feel like something or one is there, but not in a good way.

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well it happened again this morning, like 5am but the presence i talked about changed, it still wasn't good but this time it felt like when jasper wouls be curled up by my foot purring. and it scaredthe shit out of me because of course when I looked nothing was there.

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I really hate sleep paralysis it makes me paranoid.

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anyway, I ended up drinking alot of water fast because it was so hot out (me and my brother went for another round to look for her) but i panicked and went to purge it- which I did but I passed out for a moment.

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I haven't passed out in a while, usually i can do my routine and make it back to bed. i'm just glad my brother didn't hear me pass out.

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i feel greedy, because we stopped by the store so my brother could get something to eat, but there was this homeless man outside and it's so hot- we gave me six dollars, it was all we had left but i felt like we should've done more.

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the man was so kind. and i usually don't get worked up so much about this, i'm more an animal activist. but I guess it's because i know what it feels like to go looking for any change at all just to get something small for that moment not knowning what will happen the next.

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and so, when i drank all that water like that, i felt so much guilt i had to get it out. have been eating at all. how can I eat when Jasper might be starving? when others are? i'm the last person who deserves anything but death.

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i feel so guilty just by living. and it's getting harder and harder to even wake up anymore. I can't do this.

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i'm sorry, i'll shut up now…

1 Comment
  1. alexsophia88 5 years ago

    Well, that was not nice to yourself. First off, you don’t need to “shut up now”. Keep writing! Keep talking. Don’t you know it doesn’t only help you but those who come here and also share some of your same struggles? You might not think it so, but your voice and your existence is, indeed a gift and, I can only speak for myself but I’m glad you’re here.
    I’m so sorry you lost your pet, Jasper. I hope you reunite soon. Have you put out any posters with his picture in the neighborhood? That might help. I have a cat myself and I know how important a part of ones life these furry ones can be.
    You know, It seems to me like you have a big heart just because of the fact that you are able to empathize about your kitty’s situation, as well as that of the homeless man. Do you see yourself as a kind person? I think you are.
    Here’s the thing, starving yourself will not make the homeless man or your cat any fuller. I had to learn, in very hard ways that guilt can kill and it’s a shame based feeling. Who in your life shamed you into believing you deserve punishment for others misfortunes? I would invite you to explore that because I found out, that whenever I felt this way, it was usually because of something negative or dysfunctional that was taught to me by someone else and that, ultimately, I didn’t have to live by those beliefs, if I so chose. There’s great freedom in finding that out.
    Also, you know that an empty well can’t give water to others, right? If you don’t treat yourself well, how can you have the energy and stamina to care properly for kitty or help a homeless man? You can only give what you have. You cannot give what you don’t have. I know it might seem “selfish” but I would also invite you to explore what being a good kind of selfish can mean, for you.
    I used to be like you, riddled with guilt, wanting to give and give, until I fizzled out. I learned the hard way, I have to come 1st. My wellbeing has to come first, otherwise, everything else won’t be ok.
    You are worth no less than that homeless man. If you can see him, in his dire circumstance and find that he deserves love, help and attention, why don’t you? Think about it! You did what you could that day when you gave him that $$, too. I bet he was grateful and got a nice meal from it, don’t you think? Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know what that’s like. It takes the life force out of you unnecessarily. We are enough, as we are, I promise you.
    I wonder, what would your days be like if you challenged yourself to treat you as you would as friend, with love, gentleness and encouragement, especially after all you’ve been through? Just a thought. Hope you have an wonderful day. Sincerely, always, Alex.

    P.s. Do you have an Eating Disorder? Is that what you meant by purging? I had ED too, before. Feel free to write me, if you need someone to talk too. You’re not alone. I swear.

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